mmmbye.

 "Ope" has been having a moment.

For the unfamiliar (re: non-Midwesterners), "ope" is a polite interjection, akin to "oops." The most famous example is "ope, lemme sneak right past ya," which is Midwestern for "pardon me, I'd like to get by" or "I'm so sorry; I bumped you."

Phineas has been saying "ope" since he was three. (He's very polite.)

It was a major shock to me when I saw "ope" first appear on the internet. Like - I thought that was just something I heard in my small corner of the world. Oh no - it encompasses the entire region. Say "ope" anywhere in this huge-ass region, and you won't get a second look. 

You can get "ope" shirts. I have teeny "ope" earrings. I've seen "ope" tattoos. It's a whole personality.

Wall art.

We're not here to talk about "ope," though.

I want to talk about a Midwestern-ism that has seemingly flown under the radar. 

Mmmbye.

Are you a Midwesterner? Have you noticed this? 

I would describe "mmmbye" as the Midwestern conclusion to a non-personal call. Not impersonal, mind you, but non-personal. Like when you call your local bank.

If you are a Midwesterner, it's just about a guarantee you say it without even knowing it. Once I started paying attention, it turns out I say it all the time. It's my "professional goodbye." Weird, right? It's automatic. 

I've tried to be more conscious about not doing it, but it's HARD. Just "bye" is almost too harsh for our Midwestern sensibilities, so you kind of need that "mmm" to lead into it. But it's SO WEIRD. Why the "mmm"? Who started it, and why do so many of us do it?

Common variations include "ok, bye," and "yep, bye." 

Listen to a Midwesterner on the phone sometime and see what their goodbye is like. Odds are the word "bye" is preceded  by something - doubtful you'll hear "I'll talk to you later - bye." You'll hear "I'll talk to you later - ok, bye." 

Hell, call me at the library and pretend to be someone I don't know. Chances are I'll "mmmbye" you.

Damn, the Midwest is weird.

the perfect parent.

I'm the perfect parent.

In my head.

Ten years ago.

Before I had kids.

We all are, though, aren't we? That child over there, crying and screaming in the restaurant - our child would NEVER. No, our child will be the most perfect angel because we will (gently) train them how to behave in public. It's easy; why doesn't everyone just do that?

Haaaaaaaahahahahahhahahahaaaa.

What an idiot.

From the moment I held itty bitty Phineas in my arms in March 2020, everything I thought I knew evaporated.

Turns out kids don't really give a shit what you want them to do.

My imaginary kids would...

go to bed on time.

This has maybe happened twice in all the time both of my children have spent on this earth. You get home from work, eat supper, give them baths, and WHAT HOW IS IT 9PM??! If, by some miracle, you happen to get all that nonsense done at a decent time, your kids will somehow have enough energy to power a small city and will very much not be going to sleep any time soon despite your best efforts.

My imaginary kids would...

be perfectly behaved out in public.

We have never taken them both grocery shopping, and at this stage, I never plan to. Every time we go to a restaurant with them, we say to each other, "This is why we don't go to restaurants."

My imaginary kids would...

always listen to me. 

This is a good one. I'd say it takes me an average of five asks to get Phineas to do something. He will flat-out ignore me most of the time, and I do have to resort to counting a lot of the time (though I have not yet gotten to 3). Sometimes he will flat-out say "no," which I never would have DARED say to my parents so wtf am I doing wrong?! 

My imaginary kids would...

not watch screens for more than a few minutes a day.

Another good one. Turns out? You have to entertain your children. ALL THE TIME. And sometimes, to remain sane, you need a break from that. Enter: the tablet. It's ok to let the iPad parent for a bit. Phineas has learned a ton of stuff that way. HE knows everything about every brand of washing machine - just ask him. He watches Peppa Pig, so now he says little British-isms like "who will watch over us?" and "biscuits" instead of "cookies." Word to the wise, though: tread carefully on YouTube. If you're not careful, your kid will get hooked on Cocomelon or Blippi. Then you'll want to smash that tablet Office Space-style.

My imaginary kids would...

never leave the house looking unkempt.

More like "never leave the house looking kempt." 

                                                                Cute, but not kempt.

I had images of children dressed in sweet little outfits, hair brushed neatly. What I have is kids dressed in whatever sort-of matching clothes that are clean and environmentally appropriate with hair that is most certainly standing up in a weird way but is clean so we'll just call that good enough. If you tried to wet down and then comb my four-year-old's crazy morning hair, you'd understand. The screams can be heard across town.

My imaginary kids would...

keep their toys contained to their rooms.

Kids make a mess the likes of which I have never known. I'm no clean freak, but this is something else. Toys, sippy cups, tiny socks, Cheerios... their shit is EVERYWHERE. I'm tempted to throw a match and start over.

My imaginary kids would...

not prevent me from living my life.

Years ago, some friends of mine who had recently had a baby said something that has stuck with me: "the baby is joining our lives; we are not joining theirs." That was going to be my parenting mantra. We could have kids and still be ourselves. Let me tell you - that plan went up in flames, and it went up in flames FAST. No more taking off for weekend trips to the cities on a whim. No more summer road trips car-camping. No more fancy drink places. No more endless book reading for me. No more leisurely taking photographs on a spring day-trip while James hikes a trail. My life has been completely turned upside down, and it barely resembles the one I had before. Someday, we'll be a little less restricted, but right now, our kids are soon-to-be-5 and almost 18 months. We're in the trenches.

So no, I am not the perfect parent with the perfect children I imagined. Turns out no one is. Parenthood has given me a totally different perspective, though. Childless me, when hearing a baby crying on an airplane, would have been fairly annoyed. Parent me feels deeply for the parents who are currently dealing with that child - and is also quite grateful it isn't me.

So while I can't control most situations, I can control this one: my child will never be the one crying on an airplane because I will hope to not bring them on an airplane until they're old enough to fend for themselves. Problem solved!

THE outfit.

 You know when you're a kid, you have an outfit or two that you wore to death because you love it SO MUCH and you think you look SO AMAZING and how could anyone ever resist your charms?

That's what this story is about.

Those outfits.

They're not limited to when you're a kid, though. They're the outfit you know you're packing when you go on vacation. The outfit you think of instantly if you're taking family pictures. The outfit you throw on when you know you want to look good and you don't even need to think twice about it.

Let's start at the beginning.

This gem is from 1992. I loved this dress so much my mom found another one in a larger size so I could wear it even longer. I wore it everywhere - at home, at daycare, with my friends, playing Barbies, running through the woods - seriously everywhere. This is the first item of clothing I can remember completely adoring and being devastated when the (second) dress got too small and had to be retired.

I was hugely into dresses for the first several years of my academic life. As you can see, this one is far too short, but thanks to athletic shorts, it lived a little longer. The jelly shoes really tie the whole thing together.

These outfits get to share an entry as humble representatives of the puff paint sweatsuit age. I loved them - my mom would make them for me from time to time, and if I was really lucky, I'd get to add some embellishments myself. Damn, we really should resurrect these beauties.

If memory serves, my aunt and uncle in Denver bought me the shoes (FOAM PLATFORM WEDGES, BABY), and my grandma bought me the dress to go with them. I couldn't have been much older than 10. I felt like a million bucks. (Can you see my hemp necklace?!) I remember my parents not being too sure about the shoes - odds were good I was going to break my neck - but I managed with no injuries. I did have to throw them away within a few years, though, when the foam top pulled apart from the platform. A true tragedy.  

The dress. The shoes. Have you ever seen anything so Y2K? It was my go-to for any semi-special occasion for YEARS. I thought the combination of the two made me look particularly grown up. It must have been the daisies.

Whoof, enter the perm/glasses/braces stage of my life. Not easy. Anyway, I was really into white jeans at the time. That shirt was a favorite of mine, but I thought it showed (gasp) TOO MUCH CHEST - hence the white t-shirt underneath. 

And now - high school! My aunt Jan bought me that shirt and matching tank top for cousin pictures circa 2003(?), and I wore it to DEATH. I don't think I could even take it to college because I wore it so much in those last two years of high school. (It was from Maurices, if you're curious. I'm sure you were.)

Here comes a distinct shift - I started to care a good deal more about how I looked. This is the first picture in which I am wearing makeup and have purchased the item I am wearing myself. I wore that sweater all the damn time even though, as you can see, it is slightly too small and didn't zip up past my chest. (It's not like I have ever been accused of being busty - it was Hollister brand and comically tiny.)

That tank top was a constant presence in my closet for ages. I wore it with that khaki jacket. I wore it with a white cardigan. I wore it with this flowy white skirt thing. I wore it with everything. It was a baby doll cut and not flattering for anyone carrying a single extra ounce below the chest, but still, I persisted. 

Yes, it's a sweater vest. I also loved those jeans, even though they were the lowest of low rise. Low rise jeans were such a curse, even then.

Welcome to college! That grey shirt was a heavy lifter in the first couple of years. I thought I looked damn good with my v-neck bedazzled nonsense, and always that black necklace. 

I wore that skirt for everything - especially when "nice" attire as required. I bought it for next to nothing on a Target clearance rack and kept it for a solid decade. It was the best jazz dance shirt, since it poofed out nicely when twirled.

The photo on the right came first, but I wore this tank top/cardigan combination on James's and my first date. So cute. Much like my stripey skirt, it was a no-brainer when I was supposed to look "nice."

This dress is the only item of clothing I still have out of all these outfits. My mom found it at Goodwill, and it is probably the single most flattering thing I have ever owned. Brown is generally not my go-to color, but when it comes to this dress, I'm all in.

Now we're as close to up to speed as we can be. This is the most recent outfit I can think of - my coral lacy shirt that I wore absolutely everywhere and all the time. I wore this to my 10-year high school reunion, which is the biggest deal ever. Tragically, it doesn't fit any more (damn kids), but if it did, you'd better believe I'd be wearing it to my 20-year reunion this summer. It was just that great.

-----

I've had dozens more of those outfits throughout the years, but somehow, I haven't had one for a good ten years. I know I haven't had one since I've had kids. Is it something that fades away as you get older, or is that just something that happened to me? Or my body image? I do think I kind of look like shit most of the time, whereas these outfits all made me feel like DAMN I LOOK GOOD. 

Well, whatever happened, it sucks. I want my arsenal of good outfits back. Especially if they're puff painted sweat suits. 

the library and the lemon boiler.

In September 2023, the library got a new boiler.

"All right!" we said. "Just in time for winter!"

"Suckers" said the new boiler.

You see, our old boiler had been acting up for some time. I don't know exactly how old the "old" boiler was, but it was old enough so it was time to be replaced with something newer and flashier. 

Our old boiler's favorite trick was to roast whoever was in the basement. The library basement is where we hold our programs, and it is available as a meeting space for the public. For as long as I have been at the library (seven years in February), the basement has been HOT. I mean HOT. Hot enough to scrounge up fans to keep whoever was down there from passing out. 

Occasionally, the boiler chose to shut down for no apparent reason. It was essential to keep a spare sweater around for these boiler temper tantrums.

Either a heat wave or a cold snap from the boiler could happen no matter the season. The boiler did what it wanted, including leaking all over the basement at random intervals. It got so bad our HVAC guy gave us his direct number so we didn't have to go through the regular service line any more.

But then it was our turn for a new one! Our problems would be solved! We would deal with a little discomfort in September when we might not have air or heat for a brief period of time, but what a small price to pay for reliable heat and air.

We started having trouble almost immediately.

I can't remember what came first - the blistering heat or the icy cold. Whatever it was, it made the old boiler look like a mild breeze. There were days when it was as hot as 80 degrees or as cold as 56 degrees in the library.

Either way, we librarians did what we could to deal with it. On the hot days, we opened every window and door. We ordered extra fans and spread them through the library. We dressed for summer in the middle of winter. 

On the cold days, we did the opposite. We dressed for winter in the middle of summer: my go-to outfit was wool socks, snow boots, and two wool sweaters layered on top of each other. Oh, and fingerless gloves for attempting to type. You'd better believe we have blankets, too.

Like all good office employees, I have a snack drawer. In this snack drawer, among other things, I have candy. It's been so hot in here that my Reeses have melted into blobs, but so cold that my peanut M&Ms have more or less been in a freezer. 

This new boiler must have a vendetta against us. Right now, we are in the middle of a stretch of it freezing us out at the library - it's been between 59 and 57 at the library for three days. Our poor HVAC guy has been here the whole time and finally had to fire up the old boiler to get us through. Turns out the new boiler blew out not one, but both of its pumps. 

Who knew as a librarian I would be thinking so much about boilers?

If/when we replace our new boiler with a boiler that isn't terrible, I am going to go Office Space on that miserable thing. That beautiful thought is all that's keeping me warm on the inside right now.

press-on nails: a review.

For the last month or so, I have been on a white-hot press-on nail tear.

Which is completely unlike me.

Up until mid-October, I had never had press-on nails in my life.

Until one day, I got sick of my own stupid nails and decided to go for it.

You see, I - like basically everyone - prefer it when my nails look nice. One of my good friends will give me gel manicures, but she doesn't always have time for that. I liked the nail wraps (Colorstreet, etc), but those started to wreak havoc on my nails. And painting them? With two small children, that was out of the question. As was going to a salon to get them done - not enough time, and yikes the money.

Enter: the press-on nail.

Like a good librarian, I did my research before I bought my first press-on nails to try. Olive & June emerged as a clear favorite, so they were the first ones I decided to try. But then something just snapped, and I ordered a zillion other brands in a frenzy to keep myself distracted. 

And by "something," I mean "an intense state of depression and anxiety brought on by the election/cold/Daylight Savings/the endless cycle of thankless labor that is being a parent of young children."

Anyway.

Olive & June

 

NOTE: I tried these two different times initially - once with the glue (left) and once with the adhesive tabs (right). The adhesive tabs were better.

pros: 

They are a great price point at $8 for the adhesive ones and $10 for the glue-ons.

They are a favorite of beauty editors and magazines, so they were the first ones I opted to try.

The designs are CUTE, and they had options like chrome and a velvet effect. And glow-in-the-dark! I'm a sucker for glow-in-the-dark.

Reusable! That is, if you don't bust them all like I did with the first set.

cons:

You had to spend $45 to get free shipping, which, boo. That's a shit ton of fake nails when you're not sure if you want to commit. 

There were SO MANY SIZES. That could be a pro, but it also took sooooo long to find which ones would fit me best. The numbers to correspond to the sizes were very hard to read.

Since they were the first, it really could be my fault, but these popped off like crazy. One fell off within six hours, and within three days, almost all of them had fallen off and had to be re-glued at one time or another.

The nails were very curved. That could also be a factor in them not sticking.

They were super fragile. I broke a big piece off the side of my thumb the same afternoon I put them on (without doing anything vigorous; I didn't even know it happened).

All in all, I took them off after about four days.

imPress

 

 

pros:

They are a good price, and there are always coupon codes available. 

They have TONS of patterns and colors. This one has the second best variety (behind CurvLife). 

The adhesive is incredible. After a week, not one of the nails had budged. Not a one. I had to take them off manually, and even that was pretty easy. 

imPress also offers free shipping at $25, which is great - you don't have to spend a ton.

They have little number sizes on the adhesive, so if you figure out what your size is, you can just write it down and not waste time trying on a bunch of fake nails.

cons:

I couldn't get the nails to lay down at my cuticle. That meant every time I tried to do anything AT ALL with my hair - ponytail, washing, etc - my hair got caught. It drove me nuts. The nails would have stayed on way longer than a week, but I took them off because of that. I thought it was just me the first time (as they were only my second pair of nails), but the second time was the same - I got about half of them to lay down. 

The nails are not reusable because they are made of gel, not plastic. When you peel them off, they'll get all misshapen. However, the box comes with a whole lot of nails, so you might be able to get two manicures out of it.

CurvLife

pros:

They have a truly astounding variety of designs. Fancy designs are really what I'm in this for.

It was fairly easy to find my size.

They are quite affordable and go on sale all the time.

cons:

The set I'm wearing in the first photo was gorgeous, but the iridescent coat scratched off like crazy. I put a topcoat on it, but the topcoat itself sloughed off after a day.

The set in the second photo is only half CurvLife - the white nails are Olive & June. This is because the nails that actually came with this set were kind of hideous. Sadly, I lost one of the glittery gold ones on my right hand in under eight hours, so these were a thumbs down.

The adhesive stickers are a pain in the butt to work with and do not last. These nails too forever to put on because of it. My first nail fell off after a few hours.

The glue isn't much better. Once the adhesive stickers let go, I removed all the residue from the fake nail and my real nail and tried again with the glue. Still no dice. I took them off after four days since I was tired of resticking them constantly. 

These claim to be reusable - I tried a couple when I put on my white nails from Olive & June (see Olive & June review), but they fell off a lot. I'm not so sure. I think this will be my only CurvLife purchase.

Dashing Diva

   

pros:

I LOVE their designs. Look at those fabulous sparkly accent nails.

These were probably the easiest to put on so far, but I couldn't tell you if that was the nails themselves or me gaining experience. 

The adhesive tapes were right on the nail, and the numbers were printed on the tab, making the sizes really easy to find. 

The internet says they're reusable - you just have to get new adhesive tabs, of course.

cons:

They were very thin at the tips and snagged easily. I was constantly trimming and filing them. They also didn't lie down very well at the cuticle. I'm not sure how long they would have lasted, but I anxiety-picked them off after four days.

Also, don't bother with their nail art stickers. They're trash.

Ivy & Ash

pros:

Phineas loved the color!

Supposedly reusable.

cons:

Expensive. I bought these on sale from a local boutique. 

They are SOOOOO long. I decided I was going to give longer ones the old college try, but I lasted about an hour before I was looking for a fingernail clipper like a freaking crackhead. 

I also couldn't get them to lie down at the cuticle, so they caught my hair. 

I took these off after four days as well. 

Ardell

 

pros:

Inexpensive. I also loved the designs.

Reusable - though I'm not sure I want to.

cons:

Even the "short" ones are ridiculously long. Like ridiculous. It took a super long time to trim them down to size and file them. 

The glue in my kit was completely solid and unusable. Luckily, I had extra sticky tabs from other kits, but if I hadn't, I would have been really upset.

They also look super fake, which I don't love. 

Glamnetic

pros:

These are highly rated among testers and beauty magazines.

They are THICK and high quality. These aren't breaking any time soon.

These are really easy to get on right at the cuticle so they lay flat - they're not going to get caught on my hair. I love that.

Reusable.

Glamnetic glue is supposed to be the holy grail of the nail glues, but in my experience, it's good and bad. I had at least one nail fly off each day from my left hand, but my right hand nails held strong until I took them off myself. 

cons:

Holy expensive - $20 a set. I bought these on sale from Ulta.

LONG. I'm wearing the "short almond" variety. I'm typing this as I'm wearing them, and it's really freaking hard. 

They don't have nearly as many fun patterns and effects as the other brands do.

This particular set is kind of see-through, so you can tell where the glue is. They claim to be re-usable, but I'm not too sure about that.

Glamnetic is one of several brands that claim to last "up to" 14 days. I'd like to know who these people are who can get 14 days out of these nails - especially the glue-on ones. They must have someone wait on them at all times; I can't even last a day without one of these things falling off.

Static

pros:

These are highly rated among testers and beauty magazines.

They also lie flat against my cuticles and don't get caught in my hair. Major points for this. 

I am kind of obsessed with these pink nails. I hope they are reusable as they claim, because I am in a serious relationship with them.

cons:

Lots of French nail options, which I don't particularly care for. (except for the pair I got - I feel like Barbie.)

They are expensive - $20 a set, BLECH. I bought this set on clearance.

The glue was terrible. These took me much longer to put on than I expected - and since these are my 9th set of nails, I'm basically a professional. Within the first six hours of wearing these, I'd reglued several nails at least five times, AND I'd lost one of them.

These are also pretty long for the "short" variety. I'm finding out that the almond shape for sure isn't for me, as the "short" tends to be longer than my comfort level. 

 Sally Hanson

pros:

They are the best price of all the press-ons out there. Five or six dollars?! Hell yeah.

cons:

They come mostly in normal colors, which isn't really my jam.

The ends were all jagged, so it took me a bit to get them filed and trimmed to how I wanted them to be.

Chillhouse

I chose these specifically because of Wicked.

pros:

This has been the best glue so far. It took almost 12 hours for a nail to fall off, and that's damn impressive compared to the rest. I only had one other nail fall off in the four days I wore them, and they were rather difficult to get off. This glue wins.

cons:

Expensive, again. I bought these on a Black Friday sale.

Not a ton of designs. Variety is the spice of life, as we know.

Paintlab

pros:

They are a mid-range, about $12. Worth it? If I love them/if they are reusable. 

Very easily sizeable. These nails arrived as talons (so pointy) and were very easy to trim down to my preferred size.

They lined up with my cuticle and laid flat! YAY!

cons:

Once again, they were falling off within twelve hours - one nail never to be seen again. I guess this is less a criticism of the nail and more of the glue. Next project: try all the nail glues out there, I guess.

Red Aspen

pros:

These are the first glue-on nails I've had that NOT A SINGLE ONE has come flying off within the first hour. As of writing this, it's been more like 15 hours and STILL they stay. I've had a shower and gotten two kids ready for their days in that time. I am impressed.

cons:

Full price, they are expensive. Be sure to catch them on sale. And OH MY GOODNESS do they have the dumbest names. It's a combination of some "trendy" woman's name plus an alliterative action or adjective. Real examples: Winslow's in White Sands, Besties Wear Bows Micah, In the Billiards Room Brady, and Riah Says Rawr. I'm wearing French Quarter Feels, Therese. They also call their fake nails "nail dashes" and appear to be an MLM as they ask you who your "nail ambassador" is when you check out.

Glamermaid

These get the dubious distinction of being the worst nails I have tried. 

pros: Amazing designs, and they're cheap.

cons: Everything else. These had basically all fallen off within 12 hours of me putting them on. I tried gluing them back on with different glue, and that was also a bust. Such a bummer; the designs are just great.

TAKEAWAYS

There are a lot more press-on nails out there, but I'm a little bit anxious to share these with you. I've been at this since before Halloween, after all.

Hands-down my favorites are the nails that have the adhesive right on them: imPress and Dashing Diva. I do love the glue-on nails that lay flat against my cuticles, though, like Glamnetic and Static - I can't handle getting my hair stuck under my nails. 

Olive & June would probably be my glue-on nail of choice, though. They are inexpensive and have variety galore. I just need to find the right glue to get them to stay, and we'll be in business.

I need something that can handle my every-day life - I have kids, so I wash my hands a lot. I work in a library, so I'm handling books and typing and doing all sorts of not-gentle things to my hands. I am just not in the business of consciously looking out for my nails. That's why the glue-on doesn't work for me: if you bonk or snag your nail wrong, that fake nail is going to go flying, never to be seen again. Or if it is seen again, it's definitely going to gross someone out later.

THE VERDICT

My overall number one choice would have to be imPress. They've got the adhesive right on the nail (my favorite), so they're not going anywhere. They also have a solid amount of designs, both ultra fancy and straight-to-the-point. Plus, at $8-$12 per kit (and there's always a coupon code), the price right where you want it. As soon as I can figure out how to get them to be flush with the cuticle, I will be in fake nail heaven.

All in all, I am absolutely a fake nail convert after all this - it's a really fun, fast, and inexpensive way to brighten up your nails (or, in my case, your life when things are dragging you down). It's the little things, right?