motherhood and the right to choose.

I have been pro-choice my entire adult life. 

But now I’m a mother.

One of the favourite arguments of the anti-choice is “you’ll feel different once you become a mother.”

And you know what?

I do feel different.

Now that I’m a mother, I’m more pro-choice than ever before.

James and I got pregnant when we were both 32 years old. We both had good full-time jobs with health insurance, a house, and little debt. I had just completed my masters degree, and we were both healthy. We were ready - or, as ready as we’d ever be.

Even with all those advantages, pregnancy is still very hard. I cannot imagine going through this without it being something I chose to do. 

I was absolutely miserable for the first few months of pregnancy. Even after the constant sickness had passed, I was still dead tired and in weird uncomfortable pain nearly all the time. 




When I was about eight months pregnant, I began to have problems with elevated blood pressure. I wound up being placed on a battery of medications, being admitted to the hospital, dosed with magnesium, delivering my son five weeks early, and remaining in the hospital for several more days. I was not able to see my baby for the first 24 hours of his life due to the magnesium, and he had to stay in the NICU for a month.

(I say all this acknowledging that so many others have much more difficult pregnancies and deliveries than I did.)

I am fortunate not only to have a professional level full-time job and a home, but a supportive partner and an outstanding network of family and friends. So many who become pregnant do not have this luxury. I can’t imagine doing this without them. If any one of those things disappeared from my life, my situation would become incredibly stressful. Without any one of those things, I would not have chosen to get pregnant at all. And I was able to make that choice because of access to birth control. 

Being pregnant is also expensive. Without health insurance, the bills for visits would be overwhelming. Without paid time off from work to go to these appointments, without an understanding employer who has no problems letting me go, these monthly, then bi-weekly, then weekly appointments would be an incredible challenge.

Pregnancy comes with additional expenses besides the appointments. There are the vitamins, the maternity clothes, the healthier food you’re supposed to eat… not everyone can afford these things. Even if you choose adoption, you’re still on the hook for these things.

And that’s just pregnancy. When your baby arrives, there’s an entire section at Target filled with the things your baby “needs.” And that's not to mention the delivery. We recently received the explanation of benefits from our insurance company, which encompassed my hospital stay and our baby's delivery (we still don't know how much the NICU stay will cost). The total amount the hospital billed to insurance cost north of $50,000. Thanks to insurance, we don't have to pay the entire cost, but we're still responsible for a fair sum. Can you imagine having to pay that amount without insurance?

And there's the emotional cost, as well. I found it incredibly difficult to learn to be a mother - the lack of sleep, the thankless work, the hormonal roller coaster. It's getting easier every day, but I'm eight weeks in and struggling. I recently returned to work half-time, and I am so grateful for the opportunity to ease back into my work routine. I love our son dearly, but all of this has been an unprecedented challenge for me.

All this to say James and I are now in a position to do these things. We chose to have this baby at a time that was right for us. The time that was right for us is certainly not the same for anyone else. There are those who choose to carry an unplanned pregnancy to term, those without partners, those without family support systems. And that's great: to have the ability to choose. What, I would ask, is wrong with that?

Let’s pretend that James and I got pregnant ten years ago. Ten years ago, I was fortunate to have the same supportive partner and family/friends and the same level of health, but that’s about it. In 2010, we were 23 and living in Minneapolis. I was an unpaid intern at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, and I was also working four part-time jobs to try and pay rent. James was student teaching and making money on weekends by doing odd jobs and playing gigs. Financial stability was a few years off. Being parents at that time was unthinkable - we could barely make ends meet for ourselves. Thankfully, we never did get pregnant when we were not in a position to.

And that’s because of Planned Parenthood.

Planned Parenthood provided me with free birth control in college when I was too scared to ask my regular provider. Planned Parenthood provided me with affordable birth control when I was out of college and could barely afford to feed myself. Planned Parenthood was a lifesaver.

That’s what the anti-choice movement seems to forget about Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood offers so much more than abortions. Planned Parenthood exists so women can get the healthcare and birth control they need, even if they can’t afford it. And yes, sometimes that health care includes abortions. But thanks to affordable birth control, the abortion rate is low.

This past November, while five months pregnant, I decided to watch Unplanned: the biopic about the former Planned Parenthood clinic director who “saw the light” and is now an anti-choice activist. I only made it half an hour before working myself into a rage so white-hot that James insisted I turn off the movie for fear my stress level would harm our unborn son.

The movie is propaganda: plain and simple. In those 30 minutes, I saw two wildly inaccurate portrayals of abortion. I saw Planned Parenthood depicted as a money-hungry machine, filled with cold people only interested in a profit. There’s one scene where the main character’s boss actually presses her to get an abortion so her work isn’t interrupted. What the actual fuck. Of course, the Coalition for Life Christians on the other side of the fence are portrayed as gentle and loving, holding no judgment. I can’t say that’s been my experience with anti-choice Christians.

Unplanned disgusted me, but not in the way its producers intended. To me, it’s a gross misrepresentation of Planned Parenthood and the difficult choice to have an abortion. I can’t imagine this film changing any minds - it will only reinforce what you already believe. It did that for me. Immediately after turning off the film, I logged into Planned Parenthood and upped my monthly donation.

The conservative right loves to argue against abortion, using familiar phrases like “life begins at conception” and “children are God’s miracle.” Here’s what absolutely gets me: the right is hell-bent on eliminating access to abortions, but once the baby is born, do they care at all about its welfare? No. No, they don’t. The right would love to cut programs like food stamps and WIC, daycare assistance and supplemental income. Once outside of the womb, that baby is no longer the right’s concern. Why is this baby more of a human worth of their time and money when it’s unborn?

And this “God’s miracle” nonsense. As an atheist, the miracle stuff is a non-starter with me. But I’d like to know: what kind of “miracle” is a pregnancy resulting from incest or rape? A woman should never be forced to carry through a pregnancy she doesn’t want, especially in the case of such a horrendous crime. But our government would have these women - victims - endure yet another trauma. 

Having a baby is the biggest and most impactful choice a woman can ever make. Think about it: if you marry the wrong person, you can get a divorce. If you're in the wrong job, you can get a new one. You can move out of the wrong house or the wrong city. You can change majors. Most decisions you make can eventually be undone.

Except motherhood. 

So all the more reason to have access to birth control and safe abortion options.

You’ve heard this before, and this won’t be the last time you hear it. But it’s my absolute firm belief.

If you are against abortion, don’t have one.

It seems so simple. No one will force you to have an abortion against your will. But as it stands, our government WILL force you to carry a pregnancy to term against your will. They will do this by restricting access via “heartbeat laws” and other hoops to jump through, like ultrasound viewings and 72-hour waiting periods. It’s your body, and if you are pregnant, it should absolutely be your choice as to how to proceed with that pregnancy. I am continually dumbfounded as to how this is even still a debate. Your body, your choice. It’s simple. 

But of course, it isn’t that simple. 

It’s been almost 50 years since Roe vs Wade, and we haven’t progressed like we should have. Abortion is a right. In my lifetime, will it be treated like one?

I can hope. 
I can donate.

And I can vote.

In the meantime, I will continue my unwavering support of abortion rights and Planned Parenthood. I will vote. I will do whatever I can so our daughters and granddaughters have more rights than we do.