the church cookbook

We have been in our house for more than three years now, and the process of decluttering is never-ending. I've been thinning out my book collection steadily over the years because - duh - I'm a librarian and can find whatever book I want for free. The books I'm keeping are those that are particularly special or that I know I'll read again and again.

Anyway, the latest victim of my book weed was the 100th Anniversary Trinity Lutheran Church cookbook.

I believe it was published in 2004 or 2005, and I don't think I've looked at it since then for two reasons.

The big one: I don't cook.

The secondary one: the recipes are so adorably Midwestern. So much ground beef, so little flavor.

I did read it cover to cover last night, though, in search of some familiar names. And I found SO much more than that.

My mom, who also is not a fan of cooking, did indeed submit one recipe - and it's something she still makes today. It's also one of the only soups/chowders that I like.

I also found quite a few recipes from my grandma Sheila, who LOVED to cook. She is best known for her baked goods, of which she shared several:

I do have a bone to pick with Grandma: anything with that many ingredients doesn't seem "easy" to me. I do love the exclamations she includes, though ("very yummy!" "outstanding!").

Funny story: I don't remember having any of these desserts. I was probably more focused in her cinnamon bread.

Grandma also included a couple of meat-based recipes, which absolutely sum up Midwestern flavor.

I love my grandma, and I love the Midwest... but typical Midwestern food is something else.

As you can see from these excellent examples, the base of a typical small town Midwestern diet is ground beef. I don't like ground beef in any form except a burger. I never have. That immediately got me labeled as "picky." 

As a kid, I accepted the label. I didn't enjoy 95% of the food at potlucks, and I didn't go for everything on the dinner table at home. Ground beef, broccoli, cream of mushroom soup, any Jello-based "salad"... not for me. I survived on a diet of cereal and hot dogs.

But as I got older, I found out there is a TON of food out there I enjoy. I love seafood. I love all fruit (except melons. melons are a bullshit fruit). I love sushi. I haven't met a cuisine (Japanese, Mexican, Thai, Vietnamese, Argentinian, etc) that I don't like. One of my all-time favorite meals was made with squid ink pasta. 

So I'll let you decide if I'm truly picky.

Besides the endless ground beef-based dishes, there were more treasures to behold - many of which left me shaking my head. I present: the cheesecake with no traditional cheesecake filling.

(I have removed the submitter's name to protect the less-than-innocent.)

I read this a couple of times to make sure I didn't miss anything. I'm no purist, but I feel like a cheesecake with no cream cheese isn't a cheesecake. Or mascarpone. Or sour cream. Or Greek yogurt. Or ricotta. Or any of the endless things you can use as a substitute to get the "cheese" in "cheesecake." This is just pudding with coffee in it.

Ketchup is a huge part of the Midwestern diet. Or, as the Kingsbury County Pork Producers would say, catsup. 

When was the last time you heard someone refer to ketchup as catsup? I forgot that was even a word.

Of course, you can't have a small town church cookbook without some mild racism:

Oof. You can say "they grew up in a different time" and "this was 20 years ago" all you want, but I would bet a large sum of money the old ladies who submitted these back in 2004 would see no problem with the names of the dishes today.

My absolute favorite recipes are those submitted by the wedding committee. According to the cookbook, which gave helpful definitions as to what committees did what, the wedding committee was responsible for serving refreshments in the fellowship hall after a wedding. I don't know how many people head to the fellowship hall after their weddings any more, so I don't know if the wedding committee still exists. But their recipes live on.

Meat salads. My nightmare.

The absolute best, though, was the punch section. There is a LITERAL two-page spread about red punch.

I had no idea of the possibilities.

It's even funnier when you look at the index:

After reading this cookbook, I don't think I can get rid of it any more. It's too hilarious. I feel like this would be a great party theme: everyone pick a section and a dish from said section, except make it good. 

If you are in the need for some bland Midwestern recipes, you let me know - I've got you covered. Especially if it's red punch.