Wednesday, February 1, 2012

let's talk about Crocs.

There are few things in this world that make me cringe quite the way that Crocs can. Just thinking about their squishy foaminess, their blinding colors, their stupid shape, and those stupid holes is enough to make me gag.

My intense distaste for Crocs began immediately. I don’t remember when I first encountered them, but I remember when I first faced them in mass quantities: Disney World. I went there with my family in March 2005, and the place was overrun with colorful rubber shoes. Oh, the horror! You couldn’t buy your ten-dollar corn dog without trampling over six pairs of Crocs to get there.

When I talk about how much I dislike the Croc, I’m mostly referring to the original design. Everyone has seen the original Croc, cleverly labeled the “Cayman” design. (For those of you not up on your reptilian lingo, a caiman is a crocodilian-type animal, distinguished by its broader snout.) In recent years, Crocs have tried to disguise themselves as normal shoes, appearing in such styles as ballet flats and sandals. Sure, they’re not AS horrible as the original design, but at the end of the day, they’re still rubber shoes.
Nice try, Crocs.
I should clarify: I have nothing against rubber shoes. I’ve owned my fair share of cheap-o flip-flops, and you’d better believe that I was the queen of Jelly shoes. So it’s not the fact that they’re made out of rubbery foamy stuff that gets me. It’s everything else.

Crocs are advertised as being practical and comfortable. Sure, I’ll give them comfortable. But practical? Not entirely. Most Crocs are simply slip-on, so it is imaginable that they would slip off pretty easily, as well. Crocs are also borderline dangerous: there have been reports of children suffering injuries because their Crocs got caught in escalators. Also, what’s with the holes? Wouldn’t they just allow outside materials easier access to your foot? For example, let’s stay you’re wearing Crocs in a snowstorm. How could those shoes possibly protect you from that kind of assault from the Great Outdoors? Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather have a good pair of sneakers.

With the aforementioned new designs, Crocs are also being marketed as fashionable. If you asked me for a list of words to describe the Croc, you can bet your bottom dollar that “fashionable” wouldn’t be one of them. When I contemplate fashionable shoes, the shoes that come to my mind are never rubber, and they certainly are not shaped like alligators. I’ll give Crocs points for effort, but fashionable? Come on. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing Crocs at the beach, let alone at work or with friends.

Most often, I see Crocs located on the feet of small children. This could be a result of their easy-on, easy-off feature. Easy-off, like I have said, is not necessarily a good thing. I wonder how many Crocs have simply fallen off the feet of toddlers as they were being toted through the state fair. These poor children: through no choice of their own, they have been forced into these wretched shoes. Many years later, they will look at pictures of their childhood, see the Crocs, and remember why they don’t speak to their parents anymore. They’ll feel the same way I do when I see what I wore as a toddler in the late 1980s: what were my parents thinking, and were they laughing behind my back?

I would like to say that I have never even put my foot in the gaping maw of a Croc, but that would not be true. It’s shameful, I know. However, it was for a good cause. The only time I have ever worn a Croc was the year I dressed up as a Croc for Halloween. 
Yep, that was my Halloween costume: the scariest thing I could think of was a giant pink Croc. Believe it or not, I was a hit.

Unfortunately, my battle with Crocs remains uphill. I have succeeded in ensuring that none of my immediate family members owns a single pair: knock-off Crocs or real deal Crocs. Sadly, a few of my cousins and a few of my friends have fallen into the gaping jaws of the Croc. Never fear, though – I won’t give up hope! Mocking them every time I see them, I feel their resolve will break down eventually. They’ll either get rid of me or the shoe, so let’s hope it’s the Croc and not ME that falls victim to sacrifice.
I do not intend to insult the owners of Crocs: simply the shoes themselves. I question the judgment of those who wear them, yes. Owners of Crocs: I believe you are all good people, blinded by a temporary lapse of judgment. It’s not too late – burn your rubber shoes! Melt them into pencil erasers! Begone, foul things! Join me and millions of others in the land of the Croc-free… where shoes do not have holes, and we remember how to tie our shoelaces!

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