Christmas songs for Grinches.

Christmas time is upon us - it’s been upon us for quite a while, actually. That’s great for some people, but not me.

Because I’m a Grinch.

And I’m fine with it.

One of the hardest things for us Grinches is the onslaught of Christmas music. It’s everywhere. I’m sure your non-Grinch coworkers play it at work. It’s constantly on the radio. It’s being hummed by your loved ones. It’s piped loudly through every store speaker system. 

It’s too much.

So I’d like to present a list of not-so-saccharine Christmas songs for my fellow Scrooges. May we get through the holidays in one piece.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

An obvious first choice. This song, as you no doubt know, is all about how the Grinch is terrible. The song is a gem, but my favourite line is:

“The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote:

Stink, stank, stunk!”

Father Christmas

This one may be less familiar to you, but it’s a Christmas song by the Kinks. It’s the best kind of Christmas song: irreverent with a touch of social commentary. The song asks not for toys, but for a job for someone’s dad. The chorus includes the line: “give all the toys to the little rich boys.” It’s an observation on the inherently classist nature of Christmas, with the less well-off families wishing for money and jobs instead of silly toys. One of the last lines goes:

“Have yourselves a very merry Christmas. 

Have yourselves a good time.

But remember the kids who’ve got nothing

While you’re drinking down your wine.”

Blue Christmas

An Elvis classic. It’s about Elvis having a blue Christmas (as opposed to the reds, greens, whites, and golds of a happier Christmas) as, presumably, a freshly single guy. Christmas can sure be a bummer, and this song captures it well.

Christmastime Is Here

We’ve all seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and this song is instantly recognizable. It’s one of the few Christmas songs in a minor key, and minor keys are inherently sad. The second I hear this song, I can instantly picture Charlie Brown hanging his head. Or, if you’re a fellow Arrested Development fan, George Michael hanging his head.

Last Christmas

Speaking of George Michael, “Last Christmas” is a more recent favourite of mine. Like “Blue Christmas,” it’s a breakup song. And I don’t know about you, but I can’t resist a Wham! breakup song. The person in question was given George Michael’s heart on Christmas, but “the very next day, [you] gave it away.” That’s a real jerk.

Silver Bells 

This is not the “Silver Bells” with which you may be familiar. Oh no. This is a special Saturday Night Live Paul Simon/Steve Martin version. While Paul Simon gently sings “Silver Bells” in the background, Steve Martin speaks about what Christmas means to him. A sampling:

“[Christmas is] a time for giving your wife that special coat she always wanted. Those seals didn't need their fur anyway. What do they want it for? They're dead already.”

Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy

Finally, we come to my favourite Christmas song of all: David Bowie and Bing Crosby’s “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy.” On the surface, it’s the closest thing to a real Christmas song I have on this list. And that’s true: it’s not “Little Drummer Boy” that packs the punch in this song. David Bowie sings the song “Peace on Earth,” which addresses the issue of (you guessed it) peace on earth and why we as a human race have not managed to achieve it yet: “Peace on Earth… can it be? Years from now, perhaps we’ll see.” The song ends with Bowie and Crosby asking: “Peace on earth… can it be? Can it be?” So far, sadly, the answer is no.

Whether you’re a full-on Buddy the elf-type or a Scrooge like me, I hope you have a great Christmas. It can be a lot of fun… if you don’t shoot your eye out, kid.

Bah humbug.