Bjorklundosophy, volume V.

For the past several Christmases, I have compiled lists of ten of my family's favourite sayings/phrases/whatever into books, then passing that wisdom on to you via this blog. 

It's called Bjorklundosophy.

Believe it or not, my family is now up to 50 of these phrases, because I'm now on volume V.

(If you have not had the pleasure of reading volume I, volume II, volume III, and volume IV, I would strongly encourage you to do so before embarking on volume V. It will make a lot more sense.)

So, with that being said (and you now being warned), please enjoy Bjorklundosophy: Volume V!

Have we met?

Like most of the entries in this book, “have we met?” is a classic Tim-ism. Tim needs an inordinate amount of phrases to defend his behaviour, and “have we met?” is one he keeps in his pocket for occasions (and there are many) his actions are questioned. For example, Tim’s long-suffering wife Brenda will comment on how Tim will always use more words than necessary to tell a story or explain an event, to which Tim will respond, “Have we met?” He is implying, of course, that Brenda has known him for so long she should really be used to this by now.

My life sucks.

We are all guilty of complaining about our lives, but perhaps no one has more right to do so than Brenda. Even so, the phrase "my life sucks" is typically only used for minor complaints or in jest, as the Bjorklunds' lives generally don't suck too much. (With genes like theirs, how COULD life suck?") Brenda will generally state that her life sucks when she is forced to attend a baby shower (which does suck) or go out to dinner for the fifth time that week (which does not suck). Tim will also state how much his life sucks in reference to his normal existence, ie, "Brenda won't refill my drink when I ring a bell! My life sucks!"

Don’t change.

The use of this phrase is limited only to Tim, and upon use, he is guaranteed an eye roll. Whenever someone states they are going to change, as in change clothes, Tim will say, "Don't change!" as in, "we like you the way you are." The Bjorklunds are not prone to puns, and the rest of the clan will look back at Tim with no amusement whatsoever. Except James. He loves puns and will laugh every time.

Pick your battles.

"Pick your battles" is one of the very few pieces of useful advice you will ever hear from a Bjorklund. "Pick your battles" means to not waste your time bickering over things that don't matter, but instead to preserve your arguments for something important. For example, Calla may choose not to argue with James over whether or not circus peanuts are good (they're not), but she will instead pick her battle and argue about something important, like whether to name their unborn child Harvey Jarvie (they won't). That way, since James "won" over circus peanuts, he may be unconsciously willing to give up Harvey Jarvie. We hope.

We’re spending your inheritance.

Ever since his children have "grown up" (no Bjorklund truly grows up) and become gainfully employed, they attempt to purchase meals for Tim when they're out to eat. For the longest time, Tim's response-of-choice as he pushed away their credit cards was "I'll let you know when it's your turn." As the children suspected, their turn has not yet come. However, the phrase has now turned into "we're spending your inheritance." Whenever a Bjorklund child attempts to pay for dinner, Tim will now use the inheritance card and say, "So I should be thanking YOU!" Every now and again, he will let one of his children buy him Nick's, but anything else gets spent out of the inheritance.

She used to be more fun.

When speaking in reference to Brenda, Tim will often use the phrase "she used to be more fun." This sentiment is vocalized when Brenda refuses to do something that is completely out of character for her, such as take shots of moonshine or jump off a cliff into a swimming pool in Mexico. No one is surprised that Brenda will not be doing these things, but Tim says, "She used to be more fun," implying Brenda would have done these things in the past. But would she? Brenda's not telling.

You married your mother.

At the time of this publication, Calla and James have been married for six-and-a-half years. What Calla didn't know at the time she took those vows was that James and Brenda are frighteningly similar. The list includes, but is not limited to: a fondness for brussels sprouts and clam chowder, an aversion to needles and roller coasters, are the last ones to get jokes, and their penchant for breaking into song but not knowing the lyrics. The similarities crop up nearly every time they get together. Tim, Darrah, and Mitch are quick to remind Calla that she married her mother. The realization never gets easier.

I’m on duty.

One of Tim's never-ending struggles, and there are many, is convincing his family that he is actually working when it appears otherwise. As is the case with "strategizing," Tim will tell his family that he is "on duty" when he is flat on his back on the couch. Tim is "on duty" when we're eating at Nick's, and he's "on duty" when we're at Dairy Queen afterwards. The one person he continually fails to convince is his mother, who calls Tim for every errand in the book, assuming he's sitting around and waiting for her call. You would think such a busy guy would learn to screen calls.

That makes perfect sense!

"That makes perfect sense!" is a phrase directly from the Broadway masterpiece The Book of Mormon. Every Bjorklund but Darrah has seen it performed live, and it is now a staple of Bjorklund conversation. One of the songs in The Book of Mormon is the story of Joseph Smith. The Mormon missionaries are trying to convince Ugandans that Mormonism is the religion for them and are telling this story in song. As the legend goes, Joseph Smith was visited by God and told to dig up the golden plates that would be part three to the Bible. One Mormon states this in song, and the other responds supportively, "Wow, God says to to your backyard and start digging - that makes perfect sense!" Which, of course, it doesn't. Like Mormonism. And religion in general. But whenever the Bjorklunds use the phrase "that makes perfect sense" to describe something that may or may not make sense, we are all flooded with happy memories of The Book of Mormon.

Low standards.

To end this fifth edition of Bjorklundosophy, the Bjorklunds would like to offer you one more piece of (surprisingly useful) advice: low standards. Tim has sworn for years the reason he is a generally happy person is because he has set such low standards for his life. And Tim has a point. If the bar is that low, one is rarely disappointed. Especially when it comes to your offspring. For example, Tim's standards were so low for them - imagine his utter delight when all three managed to conquer higher education and all have jobs with benefits. Some may expect this pretty basic level of achievement from their offspring, but Tim's low standards made the Bjorklund children seem all the more impressive.