in which I solve air travel.

Yes, I'm still going on about air travel. But after flying for the first time in two years - and for the first time during a pandemic - and seeing how much air travel still sucks, I'm convinced we can do better.

So hear me out.

Can we agree airports bring out the worst in an awful lot of people? 

It's like all bets are off on humanity.

I have written about this before, so I'm not going to re-hash everything that's wrong. What I am going to do is tell you how I would fix it.

Here's a nice picture before I start bitching.

 

Let's start in the airport.

The food.

I get that you're going to charge me an arm and a leg, but please - at least make the food good. When I was headed home on a 530am flight from Reno, there was no coffee available. NONE. When I landed in Denver, I only had time to get coffee at a Sarah Lee near my gate. They advertised espresso beverages, and I ordered a mocha with an extra shot. They said they were out of chocolate - would white chocolate do? Against my better judgment, I said it would - and hoo boy, was that a terrible drink. $10 in the garbage can. So again, I'll pay the exorbitant prices, but please meet me halfway.

An example of airport pricing in Denver.

 

Pre-boarding.

I want to make flying equal opportunity. No more paying extra for special privileges. We're doing away with that. First class is no more. (Maybe first class can just be its own fancy-ass plane and the rest of us plebs can fly in peace.) From now on, pre-boarding is just for people who need help, kids, and active military. Otherwise, we're loading planes back to front. How much easier would that be? 

Gate vultures.

Let's put an end to people hovering around the boarding lanes like vultures. As soon as boarding group one is called, you know some bro from boarding group six is breathing down your neck. Then you've got me, in boarding group three (I'm always three, somehow), and I don't actually know who is in line and who isn't because of all these people hovering around. Enough, vultures. Just back off.

Moving onto the plane.

Middle seats.

Everyone knows the middle seat sucks. I think whoever gets stuck in the middle seat should get special privileges. That seat should be way cheaper, or you should get extra snacks or free drinks or a free checked bag or something. The middle-seat-sitters are the true heroes of the flights.

Common courtesies. 

Perfume and aftershave should not be allowed on flights. On both of my flights back from Reno, I got stuck sitting next to someone wearing strong aftershave and then strong perfume. When you add that to my lack of sleep and lack of caffeine, that's a recipe for a migraine. There should also be no manspreading and no stray elbows allowed. Come to think of it, there should be partitions you should be able to put up like in limousines. This would not only allow for no touching (!!!) but also no unwanted conversation with strangers.

Getting off the plane.

Like loading back to front, it makes most sense to get off front to back. There's always some asshole who tries to shove their way off the plane from the way back or the middle, trampling over everyone as they go. Anyone who gets caught doing this should be zip-tied to the plane jump seat and forced to get off last.

I would also like to see an option in which people with connections are able to get off first (they have to prove it, of course, because this system is ripe for abusing). I would be more than happy to wait a few extra minutes on a plane if it meant someone else could catch a flight. I've missed more than one connection because I've been trapped at the back of a plane, and something like this could've made a big difference for me.

That's all I've got for now. I'm flying to Arizona in April for another conference, so I'm sure I'll have more brilliant ideas after that.