the world's okayest mom.

(editor's note: this particular post is very stream-of-consciousness, meaning it's not particularly polished. Mostly because I'm only fueled by caffeine and little to no sleep. I told James the other day I could hear his aura and it sounded like soft string music. I was stone cold sober but hadn't slept the night before. Consider yourself warned.)

You know those mugs that say "world's okayest mom"?

That's me.

No, really.

I have completely accepted it.

Like - I love my kids, and I'm 99% sure I would jump in between them and a starving grizzly bear. But sometimes I would give anything for them to be quiet and leave me alone for a few hours.

I knew from a very young age motherhood wasn't my calling. Baby dolls weren't my jam, and neither was playing house. I preferred Barbie: she had careers and friends and amazing clothes. 

Babysitting was not my thing, either. I'd do it occasionally for neighbors or cousins, but these kids were talking and most definitely potty-trained. The first diaper I ever changed was my son Phineas's. I was almost 33 years old. (I tend to shock people with that one, and it cracks me up.)

Nobody expected me to have kids. I mean, nobody. It seriously was the "her?" running joke from Arrested Development.

"Calla's having a baby? Are you sure it's the right Calla? Is it on PURPOSE?"

(yes, it was on purpose.)

Phineas had me pegged right away.

Maybe that's an oldest child thing. As a fellow firstborn, I think we're pretty good at spotting the people who don't have a clue what they're doing. Look at that face. Phineas knew I was totally in over my head.

And I was. I had held just a couple of babies in my entire life, and I was so scared to hold Phineas. I was scared of Phineas in general. He was five weeks early, so he had all sorts of tubes and monitors and I was sure I was going to break him. (spoiler alert: I didn't.) 

The poor firstborns. They're the guinea pigs. Their idiot first-time parents are just throwing (metaphorical) things at them to see what sticks. 

Honestly, that's what we're doing with our second-born, Robin, as well. It's been too long and we've had too much sleep deprivation to really remember what we did the first time. Except I know I'm not scared of Robin.

(But maybe I should be. That kid PUNCHED A HOLE through the back of my uterus so big I had an emergency hysterectomy and almost bled to death. So I'd better keep my eye on him.)

Robin is only a month old, so we're in the trenches here. I feel like I can do only the bare minimum for both of my kids, leaving me at just "ok" status. I can half-play with Phineas because I need to use the other arm to hold Robin, or I have to hold Robin's bottle with my chin so I can help Phineas zip his coat. I feel like I'm not even a very decent cat mom right now - they all like to snuggle and since I'm always holding a baby, their snuggle time has really diminished. Poor things!

Where was I going with this?

THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

I wander off, physically and/or mentally, and don't know why I am there.

Back to how I'm the okayest mom.

Do you have a daily non-negotiable? Something that you HAVE to do each day to make you feel like a human? For some people, it's having their daily cup of coffee. For my mom, it's her daily can of Dr. Pepper. For me, it's taking a shower every day. Even if I'm not going to leave the house, I have to take a shower every day and put on clean clothes - I might just be changing into a new pair of pajamas, but this small act gives me just enough to not spiral into a deep depression. 

Taking that shower, though, requires me leaving Robin alone for approximately five minutes. He could be dead asleep when I leave to get in the shower, but he is always - ALWAYS - screaming when I get out. 

Bro - I gave up a ton for you. I sacrificed my body (remember that uterus?), my social life, a bit of my sanity, and who knows what else for you. I cannot and will not give up this one small thing that makes me feel like a human person each day.

And if that makes me selfish, so be it. Another mark in the "okayest mom" column.

Did you know dads are widely considered the more "fun" parent because - and this is a scientific fact, not just me being a dick - men's brains mature more slowly than women's? Therefore, their brains are more childlike and can more easily slip into the "play" state. When I heard this, it was like DUHHHH. Phineas definitely prefers James to me when it comes to playing pretend, which is absolutely great with me. I really don't enjoy playing pretend - I think my imagination may have died out on me quite some time ago. But being imaginative is not the same as being creative, and I'll be damned if I'm not creative.

I felt bad about not enjoying playing pretend with Phineas - treasure every moment, right? But now with two kids when my time is especially limited, I am giving myself permission to not treasure every moment. I will absolutely fake it til I make it with the kids, but I don't have to do that to myself. That doesn't make me a shitty mom. It makes me the okayest mom. 

I'll never win any awards for "world's best mom;" I can't do any of the "traditional" mom stuff. I can't bake anything from scratch, I can't sew, I can't cook, I won't be the head of the PTA or whatever else parents these days are expected to do. I'm not the worst mother, either - fortunately for me and unfortunately for others, there's a long way to go before worst mother.

What I can do is adventure. I can read books. I can teach my kids about the world around them. I can learn alongside with them. I can teach them how to be good people and how to admit when you're wrong. I am full of interesting but predominantly useless facts I can pass onto them. I am not good at drawing or painting but I would like to do it alongside with them all the same. I will tell myself that I won't embarrass them because I can't possibly be embarrassing but I will completely humiliate them somehow without even knowing it. And I can love them. 

I think all that stuff makes me a pretty ok mom.

And I'm ok with that.

PS - you know how Robin exploded my uterus? I have a picture. It's disgusting and awesome and I will totally share it with you if you ask.