a lifetime of Halloweens, 2023 edition.

 (Editor's note: I originally wrote this just before Halloween 2015. However, as you know, time marches on... and Halloweens keep coming. So I have been adding to this post each year so as not to miss a Halloween. That means we, once again, get to revisit a lifetime of costumes. I can hardly wait.)

YOU GUYS IT'S FINALLY HALLOWEEN.

I am excited: per usual. I have had my costume picked out since last Halloween.

My costume is not just any costume. It kicks ass, and I can't wait to show it to you. However, there is a definite downside to having such an awesome costume. After this Halloween, I can NEVER WEAR IT FOR HALLOWEEN AGAIN.

Because I have a policy.

I cannot be the same thing for Halloween twice.

"But wait!" you say. "What about the zombies, huh? YOU ARE LYING!"

But no! I dress up as a zombie for specific zombie-themed events: not for Halloween itself. Doesn't count. It's the zombie clause in my self-imposed Halloween contract. (Also, I've never been the SAME zombie, so there's that). Same goes for any re-wearing of costumes (as you will soon see in 2018): I'm not wearing the old costume for Halloween ITSELF, so it doesn't count.

I must have decided on my no-repeats Halloween rule at a pretty young age: I have pictures going back to 1988, and you won't find any duplicates (with the special exception of Halloween theme parties that do not fall on Halloween itself). You will, however, find some darn cute pictures of me as a very excited child. 

I wish I had pictures of every Halloween, but I don't. I don't know what I was for Halloween 1987 - but I was a mere six months old and I am pretty sure that my parents dressed me up in the little skeleton costume you'll see on my sister in 1991 and my brother in 1993. 1992 is also missing, as are 1999 - 2001. While I am unsure about 1992, 1999 - 2001 was a dark time in my life... as I was deemed too old for trick-or-treating. I decided to forgo costumes those years, but I eventually realized that just because you're too old to trick-or-treat does NOT mean you're too old to dress up for Halloween. You're NEVER too old to dress up for Halloween, dammit. The only other year missing is 2009, but that was the year that I was in New Orleans. I was so excited to spend Halloween in New Orleans, but alas, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I didn't know anyone well enough to go out Halloweening with them, and even if I did, I didn't have enough money for a costume or drinks at the bar. I spent that Halloween curled up on my air mattress, watching Halloween episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and sad-eating Halloween candy from my landlady.

On the bright side? Pretty much every Halloween going forward is guaranteed to be better than that one.

So here we go: a pictorial history of Calla's Halloweens!

1988
Superman

I came across this picture in May when I was digging through a box of ancient photos in search of something embarrassing to post for Mother's Day. (You mean you DON'T share ridiculous photos of your mother from the 1980s on Mother's Day? Shame on you.) I was overjoyed, as 1988 had been one of my mysterious gap years. You have no idea how happy finding this picture made me.

1989
Mickey Mouse

Is this or is this not the cutest damn Mickey Mouse you've ever seen? I was about two-and-a-half, and Halloween was already my favorite holiday. Trick-or-treating in the country always meant that you'd come away with an enormous haul. We just had to hop in the minivan and drive from house to house. As not many trick-or-treaters make it out into the sticks where we lived, any house you went to would reward you with handfuls of candy. Or multiple full-sized candy bars. Or twelve-packs of pop. Country trick-or-treating is the best.

1990
pumpkin

My pumpkin makeup is a little bit hilarious. I'm not sure which parent was responsible for this, but I would like to know why exactly I have a red mouth instead of a black one. The jack o' lantern face on my sweatshirt has a black mouth - why not me? Am I a flesh-eating jack o' lantern? Or the child of artistically challenged parents? Let's go with that.

1991
witch

You may have noticed that all of my costumes involve long sleeves. Indeed, I live in the Midwest, so many of my Halloween costumes were planned around sweatshirts and winter coats. That's why I look so bulky: under my black sweatshirt was probably another sweatshirt. I believe 1991 was a particularly snowy Halloween, but there's no way that I wasn't going out trick-or-treating.

1993
princess

This princess dress came from a huge bin of my mom's old clothes that had been deemed "for dress-up." I played dress-up ALL the damn time, and it was a delight for me to be able to wear this out in public. To top it off, Mom made me glitter shoes: old dress shoes coated in glue and dipped in multi-colored glitter. They were the BEST.

1994
dog

I don't know where this costume came from, but I do remember that it was supposed to be a bunny suit. It more or less a white onesie and had big ears sticking straight up. One of Mom's coworkers sewed spots on it, and presto! I was a dalmatian. However, even though I was clearly wearing a dog collar, I was mistaken for a cow for all of Halloween day.

1995
cheerleader

1995 must've been a particularly warm Halloween, hence the bare legs. Though I was only eight in 1995, I feel as though my sarcasm was really starting to develop: being a cheerleader for Halloween was the scariest thing I could think of.

1996
cat

Another cold Halloween, as our costumes were comprised mainly of different-colored sweatshirts. My cat ears are a little droopy, but I felt (at the time) like the stuffed mouse really brought the costume together. Please, though, direct your attention to my brother Mitch, who (at age three) is way too delighted to be Satan.

1997
Cruella de Vil

Ah, the year I was Cruella de Vil. Mom (for reasons still unknown) had this old rabbit-fur coat in the back of her closet, and I commandeered it for Halloween that year. My cousin Ethan was a part of the theatre department at SDSU, so he was able to procure (and spray-paint) the wig for me. Another cold-weather costume, but this one was a win. 

1998
gypsy/just-rolled-out-of-bed girl

The first year of the double Halloween costume. I dug through the old dress-up box and was a gypsy for the school Halloween parade. (This was around the time Disney released The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and I totally wished I could be Esmeralda.) I came home in my gypsy outfit, all ready to trick-or-treat, and I was informed that it was too cold to wear it. I would have to find something else. I half-heartedly threw together my "person in pajamas" costume, which is 100% lame. Had I realized that it would be my last year as a trick-or-treater, I'd like to think that I would've come up with something better. We'll never know. (Looking back at this in 2018, I realize now that cultural appropriation is not ok, and I regret my costume choice. However, as an 11-year-old, I had no idea what I was doing. Please forgive me.)

2002
Medieval vampire?

Ok, so I'm not 100% sure what I billed my costume as this year. I do know that it involved this dress that I bought at Goodwill, a vampire cape from KMart, and skeleton earrings. Medieval vampire, perhaps? Who knows.

2003
Count von Disco Bono

Another off-year in my Halloween history. This is the cape that I bought with my friend Allison the year before. The cape itself is pretty awesome - it came from Kmart in Brookings before it closed, and I still have the cape to this day. I also have the skeleton earrings in this picture, which you can see if you look very closely. Anyway, I wanted to dress up for Halloween but was fresh out of ideas, so this is what I got. I called myself Count von Disco Bono: vampire cape + Bono sunglasses + pink plaid bellbottoms. A terrible costume, but a costume nonetheless.

2004
reject Charlie's Angel/beat up band kid/ generic sock hopper

Halloween of my senior year of high school was AWESOME. That was the year our high school football team made it to the state playoffs (and won). Halloween was right around said big game, so all of Halloween (which was on a Sunday, so we celebrated early at school) was one big pep rally day. There were games and snacks and absolutely no productivity whatsoever. My outfit was a red one-piece bell-bottomed monstrosity that I got at Goodwill, plus some go-go boots and a shiny scarf. I was a reject Charlie's Angel. I had to work at the Dairy Mart  that evening, and there was no way that I was doing so in a polyester jumpsuit. I changed into a dress and saddle shoes and was a generic sock-hopper. On Halloween itself, Bob and I dressed up as beat-up band kids and Meagan dressed up as our band director... and we went trick-or-treating at his house. I recall that he and his wife thought we were hilarious. Or hilariously lame. Either way.

2005
band kid

(Editor's note: this qualifies as a different costume than the previous year because a.) I was a beat up band kid in 2004 and just a regular one in 2005, and b.) the beat up band kid costume was not my main costume: an honor I'd give to my reject Charlie's Angel jumpsuit.) 

Yes, friends: this was the first year of the triple costume. Much to my great pleasure, I found all sorts of people at college who loved to dress up at Halloween. I stole adopted my old band uniform - after all, the school had just gotten new ones and was systematically burning/donating/destroying the old uniforms, so I figured that I might as well give mine the loving home it deserved. Anyway, it was the perfect Midwestern costume - made of wool = super warm. And how about that hat? If only I'd had the red plume that goes with it. 

2006
zombie I/sailor-ish/opposite

The triple costume returns! My friend Sara and I attended UMM's first Zombie Prom: though we look like undead pandas, believe me when I say that we were zombies. Halloween was on a Tuesday that year, so we also needed costumes for the preceding weekend: hence my sailor outfit. It's difficult to see in this picture, but my top is an actual wool sailing uniform that I picked up at an antique store. Points for authenticity. Finally, Sara and I had costumes for Halloween itself: we went as opposites. It's the only time that I've ever dressed as a concept for Halloween, and it was a very liberal arts college thing to do. I totally loved it and still think we were a little bit brilliant.

2007
Croc

One of my all-time favourite costumes: the year of the Croc. Ever since I first saw those rubbery horrors, I have cursed their existence. Sara had a pair of pink Crocs that she so graciously let me borrow for this costume. This was the year that Halloween was on a Wednesday, and Wednesday nights were the nights that both Sara (the news editor) and I (the arts and entertainment editor) worked late at the college paper. We put in extra hours on Monday and Tuesday of that week in order to be out the door by 10pm Wednesday - instead of our usual 2am Thursday. Halloween is THAT important.

2008
Norwegian

Thanks to the leap year, Halloween landed on a Friday in 2008. Theoretically, that was great: but we poor band kids had a concert on HALLOWEEN NIGHT. And not even a fun Halloween concert... a regular concert that no one attended BECAUSE IT WAS HALLOWEEN. After the concert, we all booked it back to our houses to get into our Halloween costumes and catch up to the rest of our non-band friends. My costume is an authentic Norwegian folk costume, given to me by my authentic Norwegian grandma. And made of wool. The best Minnesotan Halloween costumes are wool-based.

2010
Lobster Telephone/skeleton vampire

 

I was living in Minneapolis in 2010, which is an all-around excellent place to spend Halloween. I had finished my tenure as an intern at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, but during my time there, I learned about all sorts of cool events that they sponsor. Example: they do this thing called Third Thursdays where, the third Thursday of each month, they keep the museum open late and have some kind of big event. On this particular Third Thursday, the MIA asked attendees to come dressed as their favorite MIA work of art. I chose Dali's Lobster Telephone because why on earth WOULDN'T you choose Lobster Telephone? That same weekend, James and I went to a performance of Psycho with the Minnesota Orchestra - the movie was playing on a screen behind the orchestra while they played the soundtrack. It was amazing. I had purchased this skeleton shirt at Walmart in college (2007? probably?). It was child-sized and glowed in the dark and I loved it. Oddly, this is not the last appearance of me in child-sized skeleton apparel.

2011
Rocky Horror fail/old-timey teacher

By 2011, I had moved to Sioux Falls and had been there for approximately one month. I wore the costume on the left to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, hoping that it would be as amazing as the midnight showing I had seen in Minneapolis the year before. (Note: it wasn't.) My Rocky Horror outfit was not as risque as a real Rocky Horror outfit should be, but what can I say? It was cold, and I was a chicken. The costume on the left is the one I wore to work at the Department of Labor and Regulation. I was dead-broke, so I had to pretty much phone this one in. I carried a ruler and was an old-timey teacher - the dress belonged to my grandma in the 60s, who was real-life old-timey teacher. Again, points for authenticity.

2012
Batman

By Halloween 2012, I was gainfully employed at the library and was delighted to find out that nearly everyone at the library dressed up for Halloween. The library costumes were all part of a theme, and the theme that year was superheroes. That worked out perfectly for me, as my brother Mitch had given me this spectacular pair of pajamas for Christmas the year before. And may I say that James's Pee-Wee Herman costume is simply amazing? 

2013
zombie II/Duck Dynasty/Mary Poppins

    

2013 was the first year that we participated in the Zombie Walk... and I didn't really even get to be in it. The parade started at 5 o'clock, but I worked until 5... I thought I could quick run over, find James and our friend Nate, and quick get my makeup done and hop in the parade. Alas, by the time I left the library and made it to the zombie area (approx. two minutes), the parade was over. So I found James and Nate at a restaurant, and they did my makeup while we were waiting for a table. For Halloween itself, the library's theme costume was Duck Dynasty (NOT MY VOTE - I need you to know that), but my REAL costume was Mary Poppins - and this was the first (and so far, only) year James and I have had couples' costumes. 

2014
zombie III/Buster Bluth

We arrive at 2014. Mitch made it for the Zombie Walk, and I feel as though our makeup was much better than the year before. For Halloween, I convinced the library to go with a "TV characters" theme just because I had been dying to go as Buster Bluth. I repurposed the Duck Dynasty jacket from the year before and bought camo pants, a hook, an army hat, wire glasses, and a loose seal - complete with a yellow bow tie. It was the most I'd ever spent on a Halloween costume, and the hardest I'd ever worked on one. And you know what? Almost NO ONE got it. At the bar that evening, one guy yelled out "Motherboy," which was a spot-on Buster Bluth reference and totally made my night.

2015

zombie IV/Maleficent/Marla Hooch

2015 was a particularly strong year for me, and I'm really quite proud of my costumes. Of course, there was the zombie element: I went to both the Minneapolis Zombie Pub Crawl and the Sioux Falls Zombie Walk, so zombie squared. (I'm only including the one picture, though, since my zombie costume was the same.) For work, I dressed as Maleficent. Our work theme was heroes and villains, and I was only one of two villains. I got a lot of great compliments on my costume that day, and no less than three people asked to take a picture of/with me. But what really struck me as hilarious was that for every one person who commented on my costume, there were at least three more who pretended like absolutely nothing was out of the ordinary. On Halloween itself, I dressed as a Rockford Peach - specifically, Marla Hooch. "And then there's Marla Hooch... what a hitter!"

2016

zombie V/zombie David Bowie/Scarlett O'Hara

Here I am at the 2016 Minneapolis Zombie Pub Crawl, in my child-size skeleton onesie. We had initially planned to go as Zombie Clue (which would've been AWESOME), but two members of our group couldn't come. Instead of looking like idiots when we dressed as just part of Zombie Clue, we went with the classic random zombie horde. I found my costume the day of at Goodwill. Typical zombie behavior. In the middle is my costume for the Sioux Falls Zombie Walk: my FAVORITE event of the year. James went as Zombie Prince, and I was Zombie David Bowie. Too soon. Finally, on actual Halloween, I dressed as Scarlett O'Hara. Hoop skirt and all. 

2017

zombie dinosaur/jellyfish

 

2017 was the year I started grad school. My program is set up so that the bulk of it is online, but we do meet in person in Sioux Falls for intensive weekends from time to time. One of the intensive weekends (which are super NOT optional) landed on Zombie Walk weekend. The class went from 9am - 5pm on Friday. Zombie Walk starts promptly at 5 downtown. The second class let out, I bolted to the parking lot, where James was waiting for me with my dinosaur onesie costume, a Zombie Walk entry pin, and a bag of zombie makeup. While he drove us downtown, I did my makeup in the car. Not too bad for hastily applied car zombie makeup, I must say. For Halloween itself, I dressed up like a jellyfish: my most ambitious handmade costume to date. I had a tutu, iridescent leggings, fairy lights wound inside my tutu, glitter glued to my face, and a billion strands of glittery ribbon hot-glued to my tutu. I left a trail of glitter wherever I went (I STILL find glitter in my car), but it was AWESOME.

2018

zombie Marty McFly/Marla Hooch reprise/Beetlejuice/Winifred Sanderson

 

2018 was AWESOME. It was the first year I had QUADRUPLE costumes. 2018 was the first year James and I went as couple zombies to the Zombie Walk, and I have to say, we were a hit. And by that, I mean we got lots of high-fives. Plus, my Marty McFly vest was super warm during the cold and rainy parade, so that was an unexpected bonus. After the Zombie Walk, our friends Bob and Luke hosted a "nevertheless, she trick-or-treated" Halloween party, and you were to dress as a strong woman. So Marla Hooch made a comeback, as did Maleficent (but on James this time). This was James's first time dressing as a woman for Halloween, and he was super into how comfortable Maleficent's robe was. My Beetlejuice costume was for a Halloween-themed murder mystery event we had at the library. My goal as a child was to have a career that allowed me to dress up for Halloween, and I hit the jackpot as a librarian. I got my Winifred Sanderson costume at the Halloween store on November 1 2017- 50% off! I have wanted to be Winifred Sanderson FOREVER, and this year was finally my year. And this was the same year we had a teeny black kitten (named Ned) who could pose as my Binx.

2019

zombie Bojack Horseman/Captain Hook/traditional vampire/Willy Wonka/grim reaper

 

 

You guys. Five costumes, one Halloween season. A personal best. This was made possible by having two Halloween library programs instead of just one. 2019 saw the sixth year of me as a zombie - this year, I was zombie Bojack Horseman and James was zombie Todd. The horse head mask was impossible to see in and stunk like disgusting rubber, so this picture was the only time I actually wore it over my head. I had actual zombie makeup on under there; I promise. That same evening, we went to a Halloween party at our friends' house, at which I won the popular vote for best costume. I've never worn a fake mustache before, and let me tell you, it's not for the weak. The library had our Halloween murder mystery a few days later, and this had a vampire theme. I dug out my vampire cape from 2002, but I was a more traditional vampire - not to be confused with whatever medieval vampire I was in 2002 or Count von Disco Bono in 2003. I even had fangs. On Halloween itself, I dressed as Willy Wonka: a costume that had been on my to-do list for ages. It turns out all I had to do was buy the hat, the bowtie, and the blazer, and a costume was born. The blazer is some cheap polyester thing from Amazon, but I ended up actually liking it, so it already has a home in my business casual rotation. Then, on Halloween night, the library had a haunted pumpkin patch story time. It was AWESOME. We decorated the pumpkin patch, read scary stories, and had staff scaring children. I was the Grim Reaper, and it is my favourite library program to date.

2020

Landshark/Ursula/Brienne of Tarth

 

  

Ah yes... COVID-ween. I've been some kind of zombie every year since 2013, and COVID forced me to break my streak. Zombiewalk was canceled, and rightly so, but I couldn't help but be a little bummed out about it. We also couldn't have a Halloween program at the library. I started off as Landshark on the Friday before Halloween - that's when us working folks dress up, after all. I volunteered to work at the library on Halloween day, mostly so I could wear another costume. I am a huge fan of Disney villains, so I chose Ursula and put my costume together thanks to a mishmash of things I ordered on Amazon. Finally, it was Phineas's first Halloween, so James and I had to make it count. It was also essential to put him in awesome costumes when he's young because he doesn't have any say. So we were  Tormund Giantsbane, Brienne of Tarth, and a dire wolf. (If you're not familiar with Game of Thrones, I apologize.)

2021

bcat-cbat/snail/Buttercup

My first costume is actually a bat, but I kept getting mistaken for a cat, so here we are. My snail costume is made out of library packaging material and a metric ton of hot glue. Our big family costume this year was Buttercup, Westley, and a Rodent of Unusual Size (who would not wear his cute mouse hat).

2022

zombie Winifred Sanderson/Maleficent reprise/ Instagram/Golden Gate Bridge/Oscar the Grouch

 

I am SO delighted to be back to my five-costume rotation. The library had a zombie program a couple of weeks before Halloween, and zombie costumes were encouraged. The local brewery has bingo every month, and this month included a costume contest. I won for "scariest." (There were like five people dressed up, but a win is a win.) The "Instagram v Reality" costume was a great last-minute costume which I find more hilarious as I look at it. Every year, I have a costume I am particularly excited about, and this year, it's the Golden Gate Bridge. Some of my favorite costumes of all time have been inanimate objects. Lastly, the three of us dressed up as Sesame Street characters for trick-or-treating with Phineas. 

 

2023

Weird Al/Arthur/the Joker

I admit, I was a little nervous about what Halloween would mean for me this year. My original due date with Robin was October 22, so I could have still been in the hospital or he could have been in the NICU. Robin ended up being born on October 4 and needing no time in the NICU, so that worked out quite well. My first costume of the year was for Halloween-themed rotary bingo at the brewery, at which I won a prize for "most hilarious." On Halloween day, there was an event at Phineas's preschool where adults were welcome to dress up, so obviously, I did. As Arthur. Finally, the family costume: Batman, Robin (ha), the Joker, and the Riddler. The first Halloween as a family of four.

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And there's my lifetime of Halloweens! Rest assured I will continue adding to this list as the years go on, because you're never too old for Halloween. NEVER.

Neopets and my prison pen pal.

I am an elder millennial. My brother, born six  years after me, is a young millennial. One of the key differences is technology. For example, I read an article by an elder millennial saying that "the thought of learning Snapchat makes me want to take a long, peaceful nap," and I FEEL that. My brother, on the other hand, is an avid Snapchatter. 

Elder millennials have very clear memories of the days before the internet. We got an internet connection at my house when I was 13 years old. Sure, we had the internet at school, but my formative years were spent largely without it. 

When we did get the internet, it was the year 2000. I went hog wild - or as hog wild as a dorky 13-year-old would go. I stayed up late chatting away on MSN Messenger. I spent hours waiting for terrible early YouTube videos to load (it was dial-up, after all). I joined a Simon and Garfunkel chat room and met one of my dearest friends (her name is Sue, and we have now been friends for 22 years). 

And then there was Neopets.

Neopets was (is?) a site where you could "adopt" a virtual pet - they were all made-up animals that you could name and put clothes on and "paint" them different colors. You had to play games on the site to earn points to "buy" the clothes and whatever else. I cringe when I think of how much time I spent on that stupid website. I don't remember what my Neopets' names were, but I know you could have four per account. I had a variety over the years, but I know I had some iteration of these four:

  

  

(these are all examples of how you could "paint" them.)

I could go on about the ins and outs of the Neo-world, but that's not what this post is actually about.

(If you also played Neopets in the early 2000s, check out this article for a trip down memory lane: https://www.buzzfeed.com/impossiblynikki/things-only-people-who-played-neopets-will-remembe-9lrzxccruu )

It's about meeting an accused murderer on Neopets.

OH YEAH you read that right.

Neopets had a chat board where you could post about anything you wanted. You could ask for advice on how to beat a game, offer to trade paintbrushes to customize your pets, or just say hello. I don't remember what exactly I posted - as this was 23 years ago - but someone named Shannon answered my post.

Neopets had "Neomail" where users could exchange private messages through the website. Shannon and I started chatting through Neomail and eventually graduated to MSN Messenger. She was friendly, interested in a lot of the same things I was interested in, and willing to listen to what I had to say.

Shannon was in her mid-20s and had a girlfriend named Tasha. I don't remember what either of them did for a living, but I do remember they were both super into Neopets. 

And then things got weird.

One day, Shannon told me she'd be going away for a while. My 13-year-old brain did not comprehend quite what she was saying; I thought maybe she was going on a trip. So I was all like "cool where are you going" and she was all like "federal prison."

...

I wish I could remember what exactly I said. Thankfully, this conversation was over MSN Messenger, which bought me a little time to compose something a little compassionate. I do know I asked her to tell me what happened if she was comfortable, and she said she was tangled up in a bad crowd several years back and someone was murdered. She ended up being charged as an accessory and sentenced to several years in a North Carolina prison.

"Will you write to me?" she asked.

"Of course," I said, because what do you say when your internet friend tells you she's going to prison and wants to get letters.

I wrote her a time or two, but my teenage life wasn't particularly set up for bouts of letter-writing. Online chatting and sending short messages through Neomail I could handle, but this was somehow too much. Also the reality of it - when I mailed a letter to an actually prison - really kind of shook me. I was 13, after all.

The letter writing ended unceremoniously when a letter arrived for me bearing the return address for a penitentiary along with an inmate number... and my parents got the mail that day. Mom and Dad didn't tell me I had to stop, but I felt like this was more than I could handle. So I ghosted my prison pen pal. Decades later, I do feel bad about that. 

So that's how Neopets gave me a short-lived prison pen pal. 

36 weeks.

Hey there, baby.

We did it.

We made it to 36 weeks. You are now full-term.

That's not a huge deal to a lot of pregnant people, but it's a huge deal to me.

Your older brother Phineas was born at 35 weeks and 5 days. He spent a month in the NICU at the very beginning of the COVID shutdown. The NICU nurses were wonderful, but your dad James and I couldn't be in there with Phineas at the same time. Your grandparents couldn't hold him. Our friends couldn't meet him.

Your sister passed away before eight weeks.

Between those two events, I was pretty nervous about this pregnancy.

Your dad and I breathed a sigh of relief when we saw your heartbeat at eight weeks.

We breathed another sigh of relief when your genetic testing came back normal at 12 weeks. Between the miscarriage and my "advanced maternal age," we were so happy that everything that could go wrong didn't go wrong.

At 20 weeks, we found out you had a single-vessel umbilical cord, which could have been bad news for many things, including your heart and kidneys. At a 22-week detailed scan, we found out everything was fine. Another sigh of relief. 

Phineas was born early because I developed gestational high blood pressure. As the weeks crept on, my blood pressure stayed where it should be. Yet another sigh of relief - good blood pressure meant a premature birth was less likely.

But guess what I got instead? Gestational elevated blood sugar. This could have meant you would get too big too fast and have to be born early and/or via C-section. 

You've been a good size so far, though. However, we're not out of the C-section woods yet. At the 20 week scan, we also found out the placenta was low-lying. That means it may or may not block the cervix - if it does, I would have to have a C-section for fear of us both bleeding to death. 

All that aside - we still made it to 36 weeks. 

Because of my history of gestational hypertension, I'll be induced at 37 weeks.

See you next week, baby. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

my grandma Sheila.

You know how some people are just meant to be certain things? Like this person was meant to be a nurse and this person was meant to be a teacher?

My grandma Sheila was meant to be a grandma.

Her picture is probably next to the word “grandma” in the dictionary.

She was only 56 when I was born, but she’s been a little old lady in my entire memory. White hair, 4’11”, big smile, twinkly blue eyes.

If you lived in or around Arlington from 1931 to 2019ish, you probably knew Sheila. Grandma Sheila did a lot of things in her life - 92 years, after all - but among my peers, her legacy lies in the Arlington school lunchroom. 

Grandma Sheila worked as a lunch lady for years - she was there when I began kindergarten and there when I graduated high school. Her spot was at the dishwasher window. Kids would bring their dishes to the window, and Grandma would greet each and every one of them by name. 

It is a complete mystery to me how she managed to remember the names of hundreds of kids over decades, but she did it.

When I started school, it didn't take long for word to spread the sweet lady at the dishwasher window was my grandma. 

No joke, I became famous by association.

Grandma Sheila passed away earlier this week, and the messages we've been getting are absolutely heartwarming. There are countless notes about how she made someone's day in the lunchroom with her smile; how she always made you feel like you were the most special person in the world. 

When you lose a grandparent, people understand - many of us have lost grandparents, after all. Grandma Sheila passing away has been different. When my other grandparents passed away, people would say things like "I'm so sorry" and "losing a grandparent is hard," which are absolutely fine things to say. But this time, people say, "I'm so sorry! I remember how she used to give me a big hug every time she saw me" or "her smile lit up a room." Everyone knew my grandma, and she knew them. She was everyone's grandma, and how neat is it for us (her kids and grandkids) to hear from all these people with fond memories.

I have no memories of my grandma without a smile on her face. To my knowledge, I have only truly disappointed her one time: by failing to give her a red-haired great-grandchild. She loved Phineas, but the first time she met him, she said, “Oh, I really wanted a redhead!” But with a smile.

the first time they met

Phineas loved her, too. He asked about "gweat gwamma" fairly often, and he was thrilled to see her at family gatherings. Phineas is only three, but I hope he'll have some memories of her. I have an overwhelming sadness that our second child will never meet her, but I also have confidence we've got plenty of stories to paint a picture of who she was.

four generations.

Every year, Grandma Sheila sent birthday cards to everyone she knew who shared her birthday. 

As my dad likes to say, she turned her cinnamon bread into currency. She lived in the small town of Badger, SD for about 25 years, and she paid the guys at the gas station a block away in treats.

When I went to college, she gave me a "magic cookie tin." I was to bring that cookie tin back with me every time I visited home, and it would "magically" refill with cookies.

When I myself am a little old lady, I hope I can be like Grandma Sheila. I trend more towards the “better not go near her house; she’s probably a witch” old lady vibe (which honestly sounds kind of great), but Grandma Sheila was certainly the “oh I love her, she’s always so sweet and has treats” type of old lady. Something to aspire to.

At the end, it doesn’t matter how much money you have or where you’ve been. All that really counts is how you’ve treated people. You would be hard-pressed to find someone who knew my grandma who didn’t feel loved by her. She made everyone feel special, no matter how short the interaction. Even if you met her just once, she remembered you.

myths about atheists.

Atheists have a bad reputation. When James and I first moved to town ten years ago, one of the first questions we'd get asked was "what church do you go to?" You should've seen the looks we got when the answer was "none." We didn't even say we were atheists - just that we didn't to go church.

In the interim years, I've had a baby and am about to have another one. My casual atheism has become something more serious as James and I discuss how we're going to raise them. 

The answer: as good people, but not in church.

James and I are not vehemently opposed to religion and church. We'll go to church with my parents, especially because my dad keeps luring James there with promises of trumpet-playing. (James will do anything if he gets to play trumpet.) If Phineas tells us someday he wants to try church, we'll take him. But we're not going to force our kids into something we don't believe ourselves.

Didn't even believe it back then.

I could talk forever about why and how I arrived at the conclusions I did. But that's not why I'm writing this post. It's about that bad reputation I mentioned. 

I read somewhere that a huge majority of Americans would not consider voting for a political candidate who identifies as an atheist. 

And that's really a shame, because all the atheists I know are super good people.

I can speak only for myself, but allow me to debunk some common myths about atheists. 

Atheists believe life is meaningless.

On the contrary. I believe we get one life to live and when it's over, it's over. That means we only have one chance to live life to the fullest, appreciate our loved ones, and do good things for the world around us. But not all atheists believe there's no existence after this life - like I said, I can only speak for myself.

Atheists are not spiritual.

Some of the most spiritual people I know are atheists. This is quite common, but I feel most at peace when I'm in nature - specifically in/on/near the water. There's a profound sense of calm and wonder that washes over me. To some, this is equivalent to the presence of God. For me, it's becoming immersed in the beauty around us and stopping to take it all in.

Atheists don't know anything about religion.

Almost every atheist I know grew up going to church. My parents brought me to church every Sunday from the beginning of my memory. I was the kid with perfect attendance at Sunday school. I went through confirmation and ended up teaching Sunday school myself. I've read the whole Bible. The more I learned about the Bible and Christianity, the deeper my doubts became. It took me until my late 20s to truly consider myself an atheist, but I had years' worth of information leading up to that point.

Atheists hate religion.

As long as your religion isn't hurting anyone, I am completely fine with it. I will also respect your religion when I'm on your territory - if I'm visiting a mosque, I'll cover my head. If I'm visiting a church, I'll stand up and sit down when I'm supposed to. I do have a problem with religion when it's used as an exclusionary tool or as a way to suppress any one person or group of people. Same goes for the Bible. It's all fine until it's used as a weapon. 

Atheists have no basis for morality/aren't good people.

One of the more common questions atheists get is "if you don't believe in God, what stops you from stealing, murdering, etc?" Penn Jillette said it best - I'm paraphrasing, but he essentially said he murders as much as he wants - which is not at all. If a person doesn't understand why murdering is wrong, there's no amount of religion that can fix that. You don't have to believe in God to be a good person. As an atheist, I do good things because I want to - not because it will get me into heaven.

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Those are the myths. Here is the most important truth about atheists:

While we don't have faith in unseen deities, we do have faith in our fellow human beings. To live as a person in this world, I think you need to have faith in each other - God or no God. If we don't have faith in each other, what do we have that is worth having?

Midwesterners and their clothes.

Midwesterners are kind of hilarious about their clothes.

Compliment someone from on their Midwest on their shirt and see what happens.

Chances are you'll get one of three responses:

"Thanks! I got it for $2!"

(note: a Midwesterner will never brag about how expensive something they are wearing is, but they WILL brag about how little they paid for it.)

"Thanks! I got it in Maine!"

(note: Midwesterners gladly will tell you about the origin of their clothing if it is somewhere interesting and/or inexpensive, ie, Target.)

(When they go on vacation, my parents like to wear their shirts that say "South Dakota" or "Minnesota Twins" or whatever in hopes of sparking conversation with a stranger who is either also from the Midwest or has an affinity for the Midwest.)

"Thanks! My sister gave it to me!"

(note: Midwesterners are quick to give credit where credit is due, especially when it comes to clothing choices.)

Here's what you will NEVER hear:

"Thanks."

As a Midwesterner, I too am guilty of this. Something just feels wrong about simply taking the compliment. It's ingrained in our DNA to elaborate. Just thinking about this fictional interaction ending right at "thanks" is making me a little uncomfortable.

If complimenting someone on a dress or a skirt, you may hear "Thanks! It has pockets." This is not unique to the Midwest - you will garner this response from anyone in a skirt or a dress that has previously suffered through pocket-less or pathetically pocketed garments. There's nothing like making a move to put something in your pants pocket only to discover THERE IS NO PANTS POCKET.

Or if the pocket is there, it may not be deep enough to fit anything larger than a Chapstick. If that.

My three-year-old's clothing has deeper and more plentiful pockets than my clothing.

It did when he was a TINY BABY, too.

WHAT DOES A TINY BABY NEED TO CARRY AROUND THAT I DON'T.

Anyway.

Back to Midwesterners.

My clothing is almost exclusively from two types of places: consignment/secondhand stores and small businesses. Compliment me on whatever I'm wearing, and I'll tell you which one. 

At this exact moment in time, here's the rundown:

shirt: secondhand

skirt: secondhand

shoes: small business

bracelet: small business

ring: I made

earrings: I made

necklace: I made

Honestly, it's going to be pretty much the same on any given day. Just switch the order around.

This is part through conscious effort, part through me being cheap. Over the last four years, I've been pregnant three times, resulting in one three-year-old and another baby due in just a couple of months. 

This means four plus years of no consistent clothing size. 

If you're buying new stuff all the time to try and maintain some sort of functioning closet, that adds up FAST. 

It adds up even faster if you need clothes for different situations, such as workwear.

I am obviously not buying all new stuff. During my first pregnancy, I bought a couple of brand-new pairs of maternity jeans from Target, so they were like $25 apiece. I was ANNOYED spending THAT MUCH MONEY on items of clothing that I really didn't want in the first place but knew I needed... but worst of all, knew I wasn't going to use in the long-haul. 

During this pregnancy, I was annoyed again at the prospect of purchasing maternity shorts and swimwear (as my previous pregnancy seasons didn't line up with this one). But then it hit me - swimsuits are stretchy for a REASON. I just bought a cheap one from Amazon in a size bigger than usual, which should serve me well in the coming years. I got maternity shorts from a consignment site called ThredUP.

Overall, I kind of think maternity clothes are a scam. Jeans, maybe not. There's no way I'm going to find a pair of regular jeans that fits me, no matter what size I choose. I do have some ultra-stretchy shorts that will work, though, and the aforementioned swimsuit. I also have plenty of elastic-waisted skirts and dresses that will see me through to the end and beyond. Almost no special maternity clothes necessary.

This is thanks in no small part to oversized/flowy clothing being more in style for the past handful of years. If I had been pregnant during the late 90s to mid 2000s with the short shirts and the low-rise jeans, I most certainly wouldn't be able to rely on anything I already had. Thankfully (for many reasons), the tide has turned.

That was kind of a long aside, but I have switched to purchasing more secondhand not just because of my fluctuating clothing needs, but because it's not only better for the environment, but because I can find clothing I like more at a better price than I can in your run-of-the-mill mall store.

I also do my best to shop at small businesses because they are just that: small businesses. When you buy from a small business, you're helping someone fulfill their dream. You're buying from a real person. When you buy from Amazon, you're just helping Jeff Bezos buy another yacht or steal some more souls or whatever it is he does. (I am totally guilty of using Amazon more than I should, but I'm doing my best to cut back.) Small businesses keep our downtowns alive.

This post didn't really end up where I had intended when I started it, but the sentiment remains true: Midwesterners will tell you all sorts of stuff about their clothes - namely how good we are at NOT spending money.