what are we going to tell Phineas?

My son Phineas was born on March 5, 2020.

Right before COVID hit the US hard.

We'd all been aware of it for a couple of weeks, but no one around here was really worried about it on March 5, 2020.

In less than a week, the country shut down. James started distance learning. My library closed to the public. Visitors were no longer allowed in the NICU, where Phineas spent the first month of his life. A week after that, only one parent at a time was allowed in.

When we brought Phineas home a month ago, we brought him to a different world than the one I left when I went into the hospital. We couldn't introduce him to our family and friends. We couldn't take him places. When he went to the clinic for his first visit, only one of us could come with him.

James and I thought we had it pretty rough. Here we were with a newborn, totally isolated from our support system. My mental health deteriorated, and I felt pretty sorry for our little family.

Slowly, Phineas began to meet our friends and family. My parents got to hold him again, which they hadn't done since his first week in the NICU. We read all sorts of heartwarming stories about people being so good to each other during this time of isolation. Things were not totally normal, but they seemed to be improving. We had our people again. We were feeling like things might just be ok.

Until last week, when George Floyd was murdered.

How horrific is it that police officers murdering black men is so common in our country that we now say, "Again?" when we hear of another incident. We ask why. We demand change and accountability. We protest and march with our broken hearts. But the same thing keeps happening.

As a white person, I can never truly understand the pain and the fear. My son is a white male, and if he turns out to be straight and cisgender, he will know privilege even greater than my own. I look into his deep blue eyes and tell him, every day, that it will be up to him to stop this world from burning. To use his privilege for good. To never EVER believe he is superior to anyone else because of how he looks. 

When Phineas is old enough to understand what happened in the months following his birth, he will want to know why. Why did this happen? Why is it so commonplace? Why did the president encourage shooting the protestors? 

What are we going to tell him?

We are going to tell him that we failed. We, as a country, have failed. Though James and I did not vote for Donald Trump in 2016, we also were complacent in assuming he would never win. We did no campaigning. We did no fundraising. We didn't take it upon ourselves to encourage others to vote. We knew Hillary Clinton would be our next president. That makes us part of the problem.

When the protests escalated in Minneapolis last week, James and I watched as our beloved city burned. We read about the white supremacists arriving by the busload, determined to cause as much damage as they could. We wondered: if Trump had not been president, would white supremacy be as rampant and public as it is today? I doubt it.

Today, Phineas is nearly three months old. In the short time he's been alive, the country has changed. Things weren't great before he was born, but things have become worse than I had ever imagined. 

My heart breaks for the family of George Floyd and the families of all the murdered black men and women before him. How can this still be happening in 2020? I am ashamed to call myself an American, and I am ashamed I couldn't bring my son into a better world. 

What are we going to tell Phineas?

We're going to tell him that the bad guys will never win. With all its problems, the United States is full of compassionate, dedicated, and fierce people. I hope I am one of them. As long as there are people that that fighting the good fight, the Donald Trumps and the Derek Chauvins and the David Dukes will never triumph. It's a dark time right now, and though it seems a bit hopeless, as long as we don't give up, we will beat them. 

Sooner or later, good always wins.

But we have to be the good. We have to raise our children to be the good. We cannot stay silent. 

So, Phineas, I know what I'll tell you. I will tell you to never stop fighting for what is right.