some lady in New Jersey hates me.

Several years ago, I started a jewelry business I called Midwest Charm by Calla. 

I started making simple necklaces, but I hit my stride when I began making necklaces out of beach glass my mom and I found at Lake Poinsett.

From there, I expanded to earrings and bracelets. As of today, I have 167 items available in my Etsy shop. I have sold 287 items from my Etsy shop, not to mention custom orders. That being said, my shop is certainly one of the very smallest on Etsy.

I'm not as much of an Etsy seller as I am an Etsy shopper. I get almost all of the gifts I give from Etsy. I buy jewelry supplies galore. I buy jewelry that I don't have the skills or supplies to make. Etsy has anything and everything.

In the past couple of years, I found a new favourite Etsy shop. It was called kstiresdesigns, and it was full of some of the loveliest jewelry I had ever seen. There were beautiful gemstones and bold brass pieces, and I ordered my first pair of earrings and fell in love. From then on, I'd purchase items from her on a semi-regular basis. 

Eventually, my earring style changed. I had some earrings I'd purchased from her that I no longer wore, so I took them apart and used the gemstones as an element in new earrings in my Etsy shop. See: before and after. Significantly different.

Honestly, I thought nothing of it. I thought it was the utilitarian thing to do instead of let them sit, unworn. I NEVER claimed to have been the one to wire the gemstones. It seemed to me that since I purchased them, they were now mine to do with what I pleased, as long as I never tried to pass off her work as my own.

I would also occasionally modify jewelry slightly in order to fit more closely to my own style. See: before and after.

Her jewelry inspired me to be a little bolder with my own jewelry. I purchased some brass components I'd seen her use, and I created some pieces of my own. Like these: the arches, the sunbursts, and the long brass pieces.

But did I ever replicate anything she'd made? Absolutely not.

I would post my new earrings for sale on my Midwest Charm by Calla Instagram page, and I would showcase my (sometimes modified) jewelry from kstiresdesigns on my style Instagram page (called I Like Your Minnesota Style). I would tag her in these photos so she could see her jewelry was being worn and appreciated.

Turns out? That's where I went wrong.

I went to tag her in a style post the other day, and her name didn't show up in my search. I searched on my other accounts to find nothing. I wondered if she'd changed Instagram user names, but her Etsy page indicated she had not. I used James's Instagram account to search, and there she was.

She had blocked me.

I send her a message on Etsy inquiring why, but I never heard back. Maybe it was an accident? I waited a couple of days and then placed an order for a necklace I'd been eyeing. Almost immediately, I got a notification from Etsy saying "the seller has declined your sale." I had never gotten such a notification, and I wrote her asking if perhaps the necklace had sold. I then purchased my second choice, a pair of earrings. And it happened again. This time, she included a note saying "Unfortunately, at this time, I have to decline your orders. Thank you." I responded, asking her to please tell me why.

Here's what she said (and this is verbatim):

"Hi Calla, This decision is not something I came to lightly. you may not be aware, or even think it’s not okay, but it really bothers me to see you disassemble my work. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort on my shop and it hurts my feelings to see you take things apart and even put bits and pieces in your shop and on your Instagram. It’s not okay. The pieces I create are special to me and I would never purchase from a shop and take their work apart. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. If this is something you wish to continue to do, unfortunately, I will have to continue refusing your sales on Etsy. I don’t wish to come off mean or harsh, I just want you to understand how this makes me feel. Thank you for understanding. -Kelly"

I felt AWFUL. Never in a thousand years had I intended to cause harm. I felt sick to my stomach. I wrote back (once again, verbatim):

"Hi Kelly,

Thank you for telling me. Please know that I have never/would never purchase from a shop with the sole intention of taking an item apart. I did disassemble some pieces that I had purchased but no longer wore - I thought by repurposing them instead of letting them sit, I would be able to find another loving home for them or adjust them into a new piece that I would wear more often. I never intended to hurt your feelings or upset you in any way, and I am so sorry I did just that. I will no longer disassemble pieces or making any modifications. It makes me sick to think I've upset you so, and I truly never meant any harm.

I recently had a baby, and jewelry is the only thing that fits properly. I channeled some of my anxieties about body image, new motherhood, and COVID into purchasing jewelry I loved and making jewelry I hoped others would love. Some days, wearing the jewelry I purchased from you was the only thing making me feel good about myself. Seeing a shop update on your Instagram story would brighten my day – until suddenly, I couldn’t see them any more.

I don't know if this will change your mind, but I wanted you to hear that your jewelry meant something to me. Again, I apologize for the harm I've done.
Calla"

And I meant it. I meant every single word from the bottom of my soul. The thought of hurting her occupied my every waking moment. I understood why she was upset, and I regretted not having considered that possibility when I disassembled earrings or embellished pieces for myself. I even sent her a second message with screenshots of Etsy receipts for brass pieces, telling her I had only reused gemstones and not brass - hoping this would make my offense seem less egregious.

But I heard nothing. 

Again, I waited a few days. Today, I tried to repurchase the necklace that set off this whole debacle. I included this note:

"Hi Kelly - you can decline me if you want, but I love this necklace so much. Like I said in my earlier message, your jewelry is one of the only things making me feel good about myself after having a baby. I will not alter it in any way at any time. Thanks for considering."

Seconds later, she canceled the order. No note, no response to my message.

Now I'm pissed.

Obviously, it's her right to decline my money. But after my heartfelt notes telling her the jewelry she made was helping me through a mild depression, she still shut me down. Without another word.

I was feeling so horrible about what I'd inadvertently done, but honestly? I don't feel so bad any more. I basically groveled at her feet; I poured out my very soul - and with a click of the mouse, she tells me she doesn't give a shit. 

If she had said something, ANYTHING, things would be different. If she had declined my purchase and said something like "I'm not comfortable selling to you yet" or at least acknowledge that I'd messaged her, I would certainly understand. I would have let everything be. But that's obviously not how it went.

I’ve thought about this a lot since I got the message from Kelly: how would I feel if it was my jewelry someone was altering? And honestly? I wouldn’t mind at all. I would actually love it. If someone modified a piece of jewelry I sold them so it would better fit their style, I would be delighted. It would mean someone liked my piece enough to go that extra mile with it. If someone disassembled a piece of jewelry I sold them and reused the pieces, that’s great. To me, it means that person liked my supplies enough to transform them into something new. It also means that person is willing to give the jewelry a new life instead of letting it sit in a drawer, unworn. At the end of the day, when I sell a piece of jewelry, it’s no longer mine. It is for the person who bought it to do with it what they wish. Perhaps if it was a painting or a sculpture - but this is art that you wear, and I’m all for customization.

But obviously, not everyone feels the same.

So that's the end of my love affair with kstiresdesigns. I am not going to beg her to take my money. And that necklace I tried to buy all those times? I have the skills and supplies to replicate it and make one for myself. (No matter how mad I am, I still would never replicate one of her pieces to sell.) I didn't want to do that - I wanted to support one of my favourite small businesses. But she told me in so many words she doesn't care, and now I don't either.

UPDATE: After I posted this story, I couldn't stop thinking about how angry I was. As I was washing Phineas's bottles that night, I worked myself into a white hot rage - there's nothing to do but be in your own head when you're washing bottles. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I couldn’t let her have the last word. Last night, I sent her this message:

"It’s clear to me you have no regard for my feelings when I was so apologetic about hurting yours. It does not bother me that you declined my purchase. It does bother me that you immediately declined my purchase with no acknowledgement of the multiple notes I sent to you - notes that I took great care in writing and in which I was very vulnerable. I understand I upset you, but I did what I could to try and make it right. The lack of response and the rapidity of rejection is very hurtful. You have plenty of followers, so you won’t miss me. That said, I am no longer willing to purchase from you. Good day."

 

I couldn’t stand the thought of her forever thinking of me as the contrite buyer who would do anything to be able to purchase again. Hell no. I am not going to beg her to take my money, and I am sure as shit not going to let her think it’s ok to treat people like that.

(I do regret saying “good day” at the end, though. Dammit, Calla. You were doing so well.)