Paw Patrol: a diatribe.

I have learned an awful lot about parenthood since Phineas was born. Before you become a parent, there's a certain about you know to be true, but there are other things you don't/can't know until you're in the thick of it.

One of those things is how truly fucking awful kids' TV is.

And why would I know this pre-parenthood? The only children's TV I was familiar with was the stuff I watched as a child 30+ years ago. I thought my small child and I would be gleefully watching Sesame Street and Mr Rogers and learning our colors and letters and taking tours of factories.

What an idiot.

Phineas's TV drug of choice is Paw Patrol.

I had to basically sit on him so we could watch 10 freaking minutes
of James's indoor concert before Phineas switched it to Paw Patrol.

I'm imagining parents of children anywhere near Phineas's age are letting out a collective groan.

For the uninitiated (be SO THANKFUL), Paw Patrol is a kids' show about this kid and his rescue squad of puppies who are constantly saving their town from disasters large and small. Sounds harmless, right?

NO.

Paw Patrol is some of the dumbest shit I've ever seen, and I've seen a LOT of Adam Sandler movies.

The premise is not terrible, and the puppies themselves are pretty innocuous. The worst part about them is the constant stream of terrible puns.

It's the humans in the show that are the real problem.

You have to be a complete fucking moron to be a human in the Paw Patrol universe.

Every time freaking ANYTHING happens, they're like "better call the Paw Patrol." Flat tire? Call the Paw Patrol. Can't find their glasses? Call the Paw Patrol. Their shoe is untied? OH MY GOD CALL THE PAW PATROL.

Most of the problems arise from the two dumbest mayors in all of the fiction universe. One mayor is the evil mayor from the next town who mostly just wants shit the other town has. Like "they're having a contest to see who has the biggest watermelon and I must steal the biggest watermelon and win muahahaha." Of course, these plots always fail thanks to the Paw Patrol. Somehow, he remains mayor even though he is legit NEVER in his own town doing mayor stuff.

The "good" mayor is the mayor of the town the Paw Patrol is based in, and she is just incapable of everything. She has THE most annoying voice (like opera singer/great aunt combo) and carries around a chicken who is always somehow getting into trouble. Hence - her calls to the Paw Patrol are always about that stupid chicken. This lady can't even hang onto a chicken, let alone run a town. Who elected these nincompoops?

But Phineas EATS it up. He sings the theme song, knows all the characters by name, and gets very concerned with things start to look a little hairy. He hates to watch Paw Patrol alone because he likes to talk it out with a companion, so James and/or I are his faithful couch buddies. 

Phineas has been sick this week, so we have been letting him watch more TV than usual. That means more Paw Patrol than usual. He is not interested in any other shows. He's not even interested in the Paw Patrol movie, which is leaps and bounds better than the show (but still sucks). I am losing my mind.