a lifetime of Halloweens: 2022 edition.

 (Editor's note: I originally wrote this just before Halloween 2015. However, as you know, time marches on... and Halloweens keep coming. So I have been adding to this post each year so as not to miss a Halloween. That means we, once again, get to revisit a lifetime of costumes. I can hardly wait.)

YOU GUYS IT'S FINALLY HALLOWEEN.

I am excited: per usual. I have had my costume picked out since last Halloween.

My costume is not just any costume. It kicks ass, and I can't wait to show it to you. However, there is a definite downside to having such an awesome costume. After this Halloween, I can NEVER WEAR IT FOR HALLOWEEN AGAIN.

Because I have a policy.

I cannot be the same thing for Halloween twice.

"But wait!" you say. "What about the zombies, huh? YOU ARE LYING!"

But no! I dress up as a zombie for specific zombie-themed events: not for Halloween itself. Doesn't count. It's the zombie clause in my self-imposed Halloween contract. (Also, I've never been the SAME zombie, so there's that). Same goes for any re-wearing of costumes (as you will soon see in 2018): I'm not wearing the old costume for Halloween ITSELF, so it doesn't count.

I must have decided on my no-repeats Halloween rule at a pretty young age: I have pictures going back to 1988, and you won't find any duplicates (with the special exception of Halloween theme parties that do not fall on Halloween itself). You will, however, find some darn cute pictures of me as a very excited child. 

I wish I had pictures of every Halloween, but I don't. I don't know what I was for Halloween 1987 - but I was a mere six months old and I am pretty sure that my parents dressed me up in the little skeleton costume you'll see on my sister in 1991 and my brother in 1993. 1992 is also missing, as are 1999 - 2001. While I am unsure about 1992, 1999 - 2001 was a dark time in my life... as I was deemed too old for trick-or-treating. I decided to forgo costumes those years, but I eventually realized that just because you're too old to trick-or-treat does NOT mean you're too old to dress up for Halloween. You're NEVER too old to dress up for Halloween, dammit. The only other year missing is 2009, but that was the year that I was in New Orleans. I was so excited to spend Halloween in New Orleans, but alas, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I didn't know anyone well enough to go out Halloweening with them, and even if I did, I didn't have enough money for a costume or drinks at the bar. I spent that Halloween curled up on my air mattress, watching Halloween episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and sad-eating Halloween candy from my landlady.

On the bright side? Pretty much every Halloween going forward is guaranteed to be better than that one.

So here we go: a pictorial history of Calla's Halloweens!

1988
Superman

I came across this picture in May when I was digging through a box of ancient photos in search of something embarrassing to post for Mother's Day. (You mean you DON'T share ridiculous photos of your mother from the 1980s on Mother's Day? Shame on you.) I was overjoyed, as 1988 had been one of my mysterious gap years. You have no idea how happy finding this picture made me.

1989
Mickey Mouse

Is this or is this not the cutest damn Mickey Mouse you've ever seen? I was about two-and-a-half, and Halloween was already my favorite holiday. Trick-or-treating in the country always meant that you'd come away with an enormous haul. We just had to hop in the minivan and drive from house to house. As not many trick-or-treaters make it out into the sticks where we lived, any house you went to would reward you with handfuls of candy. Or multiple full-sized candy bars. Or twelve-packs of pop. Country trick-or-treating is the best.

1990
pumpkin

My pumpkin makeup is a little bit hilarious. I'm not sure which parent was responsible for this, but I would like to know why exactly I have a red mouth instead of a black one. The jack o' lantern face on my sweatshirt has a black mouth - why not me? Am I a flesh-eating jack o' lantern? Or the child of artistically challenged parents? Let's go with that.

1991
witch

You may have noticed that all of my costumes involve long sleeves. Indeed, I live in the Midwest, so many of my Halloween costumes were planned around sweatshirts and winter coats. That's why I look so bulky: under my black sweatshirt was probably another sweatshirt. I believe 1991 was a particularly snowy Halloween, but there's no way that I wasn't going out trick-or-treating.

1993
princess

This princess dress came from a huge bin of my mom's old clothes that had been deemed "for dress-up." I played dress-up ALL the damn time, and it was a delight for me to be able to wear this out in public. To top it off, Mom made me glitter shoes: old dress shoes coated in glue and dipped in multi-colored glitter. They were the BEST.

1994
dog

I don't know where this costume came from, but I do remember that it was supposed to be a bunny suit. It more or less a white onesie and had big ears sticking straight up. One of Mom's coworkers sewed spots on it, and presto! I was a dalmatian. However, even though I was clearly wearing a dog collar, I was mistaken for a cow for all of Halloween day.

1995
cheerleader

1995 must've been a particularly warm Halloween, hence the bare legs. Though I was only eight in 1995, I feel as though my sarcasm was really starting to develop: being a cheerleader for Halloween was the scariest thing I could think of.

1996
cat

Another cold Halloween, as our costumes were comprised mainly of different-colored sweatshirts. My cat ears are a little droopy, but I felt (at the time) like the stuffed mouse really brought the costume together. Please, though, direct your attention to my brother Mitch, who (at age three) is way too delighted to be Satan.

1997
Cruella de Vil

Ah, the year I was Cruella de Vil. Mom (for reasons still unknown) had this old rabbit-fur coat in the back of her closet, and I commandeered it for Halloween that year. My cousin Ethan was a part of the theatre department at SDSU, so he was able to procure (and spray-paint) the wig for me. Another cold-weather costume, but this one was a win. 

1998
gypsy/just-rolled-out-of-bed girl

The first year of the double Halloween costume. I dug through the old dress-up box and was a gypsy for the school Halloween parade. (This was around the time Disney released The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and I totally wished I could be Esmeralda.) I came home in my gypsy outfit, all ready to trick-or-treat, and I was informed that it was too cold to wear it. I would have to find something else. I half-heartedly threw together my "person in pajamas" costume, which is 100% lame. Had I realized that it would be my last year as a trick-or-treater, I'd like to think that I would've come up with something better. We'll never know. (Looking back at this in 2018, I realize now that cultural appropriation is not ok, and I regret my costume choice. However, as an 11-year-old, I had no idea what I was doing. Please forgive me.)

2002
Medieval vampire?

Ok, so I'm not 100% sure what I billed my costume as this year. I do know that it involved this dress that I bought at Goodwill, a vampire cape from KMart, and skeleton earrings. Medieval vampire, perhaps? Who knows.

2003
Count von Disco Bono

Another off-year in my Halloween history. This is the cape that I bought with my friend Allison the year before. The cape itself is pretty awesome - it came from Kmart in Brookings before it closed, and I still have the cape to this day. I also have the skeleton earrings in this picture, which you can see if you look very closely. Anyway, I wanted to dress up for Halloween but was fresh out of ideas, so this is what I got. I called myself Count von Disco Bono: vampire cape + Bono sunglasses + pink plaid bellbottoms. A terrible costume, but a costume nonetheless.

2004
reject Charlie's Angel/beat up band kid/ generic sock hopper

Halloween of my senior year of high school was AWESOME. That was the year our high school football team made it to the state playoffs (and won). Halloween was right around said big game, so all of Halloween (which was on a Sunday, so we celebrated early at school) was one big pep rally day. There were games and snacks and absolutely no productivity whatsoever. My outfit was a red one-piece bell-bottomed monstrosity that I got at Goodwill, plus some go-go boots and a shiny scarf. I was a reject Charlie's Angel. I had to work at the Dairy Mart  that evening, and there was no way that I was doing so in a polyester jumpsuit. I changed into a dress and saddle shoes and was a generic sock-hopper. On Halloween itself, Bob and I dressed up as beat-up band kids and Meagan dressed up as our band director... and we went trick-or-treating at his house. I recall that he and his wife thought we were hilarious. Or hilariously lame. Either way.

2005
band kid

(Editor's note: this qualifies as a different costume than the previous year because a.) I was a beat up band kid in 2004 and just a regular one in 2005, and b.) the beat up band kid costume was not my main costume: an honor I'd give to my reject Charlie's Angel jumpsuit.) 

Yes, friends: this was the first year of the triple costume. Much to my great pleasure, I found all sorts of people at college who loved to dress up at Halloween. I stole adopted my old band uniform - after all, the school had just gotten new ones and was systematically burning/donating/destroying the old uniforms, so I figured that I might as well give mine the loving home it deserved. Anyway, it was the perfect Midwestern costume - made of wool = super warm. And how about that hat? If only I'd had the red plume that goes with it. 

2006
zombie I/sailor-ish/opposite

The triple costume returns! My friend Sara and I attended UMM's first Zombie Prom: though we look like undead pandas, believe me when I say that we were zombies. Halloween was on a Tuesday that year, so we also needed costumes for the preceding weekend: hence my sailor outfit. It's difficult to see in this picture, but my top is an actual wool sailing uniform that I picked up at an antique store. Points for authenticity. Finally, Sara and I had costumes for Halloween itself: we went as opposites. It's the only time that I've ever dressed as a concept for Halloween, and it was a very liberal arts college thing to do. I totally loved it and still think we were a little bit brilliant.

2007
Croc

One of my all-time favourite costumes: the year of the Croc. Ever since I first saw those rubbery horrors, I have cursed their existence. Sara had a pair of pink Crocs that she so graciously let me borrow for this costume. This was the year that Halloween was on a Wednesday, and Wednesday nights were the nights that both Sara (the news editor) and I (the arts and entertainment editor) worked late at the college paper. We put in extra hours on Monday and Tuesday of that week in order to be out the door by 10pm Wednesday - instead of our usual 2am Thursday. Halloween is THAT important.

2008
Norwegian

Thanks to the leap year, Halloween landed on a Friday in 2008. Theoretically, that was great: but we poor band kids had a concert on HALLOWEEN NIGHT. And not even a fun Halloween concert... a regular concert that no one attended BECAUSE IT WAS HALLOWEEN. After the concert, we all booked it back to our houses to get into our Halloween costumes and catch up to the rest of our non-band friends. My costume is an authentic Norwegian folk costume, given to me by my authentic Norwegian grandma. And made of wool. The best Minnesotan Halloween costumes are wool-based.

2010
Lobster Telephone/skeleton vampire

 

I was living in Minneapolis in 2010, which is an all-around excellent place to spend Halloween. I had finished my tenure as an intern at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts, but during my time there, I learned about all sorts of cool events that they sponsor. Example: they do this thing called Third Thursdays where, the third Thursday of each month, they keep the museum open late and have some kind of big event. On this particular Third Thursday, the MIA asked attendees to come dressed as their favorite MIA work of art. I chose Dali's Lobster Telephone because why on earth WOULDN'T you choose Lobster Telephone? That same weekend, James and I went to a performance of Psycho with the Minnesota Orchestra - the movie was playing on a screen behind the orchestra while they played the soundtrack. It was amazing. I had purchased this skeleton shirt at Walmart in college (2007? probably?). It was child-sized and glowed in the dark and I loved it. Oddly, this is not the last appearance of me in child-sized skeleton apparel.

2011
Rocky Horror fail/old-timey teacher

By 2011, I had moved to Sioux Falls and had been there for approximately one month. I wore the costume on the left to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, hoping that it would be as amazing as the midnight showing I had seen in Minneapolis the year before. (Note: it wasn't.) My Rocky Horror outfit was not as risque as a real Rocky Horror outfit should be, but what can I say? It was cold, and I was a chicken. The costume on the left is the one I wore to work at the Department of Labor and Regulation. I was dead-broke, so I had to pretty much phone this one in. I carried a ruler and was an old-timey teacher - the dress belonged to my grandma in the 60s, who was real-life old-timey teacher. Again, points for authenticity.

2012
Batman

By Halloween 2012, I was gainfully employed at the library and was delighted to find out that nearly everyone at the library dressed up for Halloween. The library costumes were all part of a theme, and the theme that year was superheroes. That worked out perfectly for me, as my brother Mitch had given me this spectacular pair of pajamas for Christmas the year before. And may I say that James's Pee-Wee Herman costume is simply amazing? 

2013
zombie II/Duck Dynasty/Mary Poppins

    

2013 was the first year that we participated in the Zombie Walk... and I didn't really even get to be in it. The parade started at 5 o'clock, but I worked until 5... I thought I could quick run over, find James and our friend Nate, and quick get my makeup done and hop in the parade. Alas, by the time I left the library and made it to the zombie area (approx. two minutes), the parade was over. So I found James and Nate at a restaurant, and they did my makeup while we were waiting for a table. For Halloween itself, the library's theme costume was Duck Dynasty (NOT MY VOTE - I need you to know that), but my REAL costume was Mary Poppins - and this was the first (and so far, only) year James and I have had couples' costumes. 

2014
zombie III/Buster Bluth

We arrive at 2014. Mitch made it for the Zombie Walk, and I feel as though our makeup was much better than the year before. For Halloween, I convinced the library to go with a "TV characters" theme just because I had been dying to go as Buster Bluth. I repurposed the Duck Dynasty jacket from the year before and bought camo pants, a hook, an army hat, wire glasses, and a loose seal - complete with a yellow bow tie. It was the most I'd ever spent on a Halloween costume, and the hardest I'd ever worked on one. And you know what? Almost NO ONE got it. At the bar that evening, one guy yelled out "Motherboy," which was a spot-on Buster Bluth reference and totally made my night.

2015

zombie IV/Maleficent/Marla Hooch

2015 was a particularly strong year for me, and I'm really quite proud of my costumes. Of course, there was the zombie element: I went to both the Minneapolis Zombie Pub Crawl and the Sioux Falls Zombie Walk, so zombie squared. (I'm only including the one picture, though, since my zombie costume was the same.) For work, I dressed as Maleficent. Our work theme was heroes and villains, and I was only one of two villains. I got a lot of great compliments on my costume that day, and no less than three people asked to take a picture of/with me. But what really struck me as hilarious was that for every one person who commented on my costume, there were at least three more who pretended like absolutely nothing was out of the ordinary. On Halloween itself, I dressed as a Rockford Peach - specifically, Marla Hooch. "And then there's Marla Hooch... what a hitter!"

2016

zombie V/zombie David Bowie/Scarlett O'Hara

Here I am at the 2016 Minneapolis Zombie Pub Crawl, in my child-size skeleton onesie. We had initially planned to go as Zombie Clue (which would've been AWESOME), but two members of our group couldn't come. Instead of looking like idiots when we dressed as just part of Zombie Clue, we went with the classic random zombie horde. I found my costume the day of at Goodwill. Typical zombie behavior. In the middle is my costume for the Sioux Falls Zombie Walk: my FAVORITE event of the year. James went as Zombie Prince, and I was Zombie David Bowie. Too soon. Finally, on actual Halloween, I dressed as Scarlett O'Hara. Hoop skirt and all. 

2017

zombie dinosaur/jellyfish

 

2017 was the year I started grad school. My program is set up so that the bulk of it is online, but we do meet in person in Sioux Falls for intensive weekends from time to time. One of the intensive weekends (which are super NOT optional) landed on Zombie Walk weekend. The class went from 9am - 5pm on Friday. Zombie Walk starts promptly at 5 downtown. The second class let out, I bolted to the parking lot, where James was waiting for me with my dinosaur onesie costume, a Zombie Walk entry pin, and a bag of zombie makeup. While he drove us downtown, I did my makeup in the car. Not too bad for hastily applied car zombie makeup, I must say. For Halloween itself, I dressed up like a jellyfish: my most ambitious handmade costume to date. I had a tutu, iridescent leggings, fairy lights wound inside my tutu, glitter glued to my face, and a billion strands of glittery ribbon hot-glued to my tutu. I left a trail of glitter wherever I went (I STILL find glitter in my car), but it was AWESOME.

2018

zombie Marty McFly/Marla Hooch reprise/Beetlejuice/Winifred Sanderson

 

2018 was AWESOME. It was the first year I had QUADRUPLE costumes. 2018 was the first year James and I went as couple zombies to the Zombie Walk, and I have to say, we were a hit. And by that, I mean we got lots of high-fives. Plus, my Marty McFly vest was super warm during the cold and rainy parade, so that was an unexpected bonus. After the Zombie Walk, our friends Bob and Luke hosted a "nevertheless, she trick-or-treated" Halloween party, and you were to dress as a strong woman. So Marla Hooch made a comeback, as did Maleficent (but on James this time). This was James's first time dressing as a woman for Halloween, and he was super into how comfortable Maleficent's robe was. My Beetlejuice costume was for a Halloween-themed murder mystery event we had at the library. My goal as a child was to have a career that allowed me to dress up for Halloween, and I hit the jackpot as a librarian. I got my Winifred Sanderson costume at the Halloween store on November 1 2017- 50% off! I have wanted to be Winifred Sanderson FOREVER, and this year was finally my year. And this was the same year we had a teeny black kitten (named Ned) who could pose as my Binx.

2019

zombie Bojack Horseman/Captain Hook/traditional vampire/Willy Wonka/grim reaper

 

 

You guys. Five costumes, one Halloween season. A personal best. This was made possible by having two Halloween library programs instead of just one. 2019 saw the sixth year of me as a zombie - this year, I was zombie Bojack Horseman and James was zombie Todd. The horse head mask was impossible to see in and stunk like disgusting rubber, so this picture was the only time I actually wore it over my head. I had actual zombie makeup on under there; I promise. That same evening, we went to a Halloween party at our friends' house, at which I won the popular vote for best costume. I've never worn a fake mustache before, and let me tell you, it's not for the weak. The library had our Halloween murder mystery a few days later, and this had a vampire theme. I dug out my vampire cape from 2002, but I was a more traditional vampire - not to be confused with whatever medieval vampire I was in 2002 or Count von Disco Bono in 2003. I even had fangs. On Halloween itself, I dressed as Willy Wonka: a costume that had been on my to-do list for ages. It turns out all I had to do was buy the hat, the bowtie, and the blazer, and a costume was born. The blazer is some cheap polyester thing from Amazon, but I ended up actually liking it, so it already has a home in my business casual rotation. Then, on Halloween night, the library had a haunted pumpkin patch story time. It was AWESOME. We decorated the pumpkin patch, read scary stories, and had staff scaring children. I was the Grim Reaper, and it is my favourite library program to date.

2020

Landshark/Ursula/Brienne of Tarth

 

  

Ah yes... COVID-ween. I've been some kind of zombie every year since 2013, and COVID forced me to break my streak. Zombiewalk was canceled, and rightly so, but I couldn't help but be a little bummed out about it. We also couldn't have a Halloween program at the library. I started off as Landshark on the Friday before Halloween - that's when us working folks dress up, after all. I volunteered to work at the library on Halloween day, mostly so I could wear another costume. I am a huge fan of Disney villains, so I chose Ursula and put my costume together thanks to a mishmash of things I ordered on Amazon. Finally, it was Phineas's first Halloween, so James and I had to make it count. It was also essential to put him in awesome costumes when he's young because he doesn't have any say. So we were  Tormund Giantsbane, Brienne of Tarth, and a dire wolf. (If you're not familiar with Game of Thrones, I apologize.)

2021

bcat-cbat/snail/Buttercup

My first costume is actually a bat, but I kept getting mistaken for a cat, so here we are. My snail costume is made out of library packaging material and a metric ton of hot glue. Our big family costume this year was Buttercup, Westley, and a Rodent of Unusual Size (who would not wear his cute mouse hat).

2022

zombie Winifred Sanderson/Maleficent reprise/ Instagram/Golden Gate Bridge/Oscar the Grouch

 

I am SO delighted to be back to my five-costume rotation. The library had a zombie program a couple of weeks before Halloween, and zombie costumes were encouraged. The local brewery has bingo every month, and this month included a costume contest. I won for "scariest." (There were like five people dressed up, but a win is a win.) The "Instagram v Reality" costume was a great last-minute costume which I find more hilarious as I look at it. Every year, I have a costume I am particularly excited about, and this year, it's the Golden Gate Bridge. Some of my favorite costumes of all time have been inanimate objects. Lastly, the three of us dressed up as Sesame Street characters for trick-or-treating with Phineas. 

 

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And there's my lifetime of Halloweens! Rest assured I will continue adding to this list as the years go on, because you're never too old for Halloween. NEVER.

a recipe for the perfect Halloween.

As I have stated time and time again, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Once September hits, my brain is in full Halloween mode.

Ten years ago (whoof), I wrote about my Halloween essentials. In a nutshell, they are a costume (duh), candy, Halloween music/TV/movies, Halloween events, and friends with whom to enjoy this most special of all holidays.

All of this remains as true in 2022 as it was in 2012. However, allow me to adjust the details a little bit.

MOVIES

I am not super into scary movies - as the proud owner of a haunted house, I don't need anything artificial to scare the living shit out of me. However, I do love a good suspense film, and I REALLY love a good cult film. These are my choices for Halloween viewing:

Beetlejuice

Or really any Tim Burton film will do. Beetlejuice is my favorite, though - I have a soft spot for irreverent horror-ish movies.

Coco

Coco is hands-down my favorite Disney movie. It's an absolutely gorgeous film, and like all Pixar movies, it gets you right in the feels.

Hocus Pocus

Obviously. While the sequel was good, I'm all in for the original. I was a cat lady pre-1993, but Hocus Pocus solidified my love for black cats in particular.

Misery and/or The Shining

Stephen King is the master, we all know that. The scary movies that really get me are those that could actually happen. We all could be held hostage by a deranged fan. We all could lose our minds in total isolation (ahem, COVID).

Nosferatu

If you want to be thoroughly creeped out, watch this one. It's a silent vampire film from 1922. 

Rocky Horror Picture Show

I don't know how this movie became the cult Halloween phenomenon that it did, but if you can go to a midnight showing, DO IT. The audience participation is spectacular.

Shaun of the Dead

My favorite zombie movie. It's an Edgar Wright comedy with Simon Pegg. You know it will be great.

What We Do in the Shadows

It's a mockumentary about vampires living in New Zealand. And one of the funniest movies of all time.

Young Frankenstein

I actually have never watched Young Frankenstein around Halloween, but that's going to change this year. It's a Mel Brooks masterpiece.

MUSIC

Excuse me while I just type out what I have in my Halloween playlist:

"This Is Halloween" - Nightmare Before Christmas

"The Monster Mash" - Bobby "Boris" Pickett & the Cryptkeeper Five

"Werewolves of London" - Warren Zevon

"Dead Man's Party" - Oingo Boingo

"Re: Your Brains" - Jonathan Coulton

"Witch Doctor" - Alvin and the Chipmunks

"The Time Warp" - Rocky Horror Picture Show

"Thriller" - Michael Jackson

(there are so many more, but these are the highlights.)

EVENTS

There are SO many Halloween events now, and I am HERE for it. I am always up for a ghost tour (any time of the year, of course), and I love that basically every event in October wants you to come in costume. There are zombie walks, Halloween bingo, midnight showings, costume contests, pumpkin patches, concerts, you name it. If I could take October off and do nothing but go to these events, I absolutely would.

TRUE GHOST STORIES

I love few things more than a good ghost story. I love to tell about my haunted house, and I love to hear about others' experiences. I go on ghost tours whenever possible, and one of my big dreams for Luverne is to start a ghost tour here. So if you have ghost stories, PLEASE tell me. I will be your best audience.

COSTUMES

One of the things I think about the most is what to be for Halloween. I've mentioned that my career goal as a child was to have a job where I would be allowed to dress up for Halloween. CHECK. But it's been YEARS since I only needed one costume. This year, I have a Zombie Appreciation event at the library, Halloween bingo/costume contest at the brewery, the Sioux Falls Zombie Walk, and of course, Halloween itself: one for work and one for family. (There's also a spooky supper club event that we may or may not go to because you know $.) I never repeat a costume on actual Halloween, but I do allow myself to mix and match from years past for the other events. (You should see my costume stash.) I have a separate costume for work so I can be whatever the hell I want. For family Halloween, I am totally going to get as many years out of a group costume as I can. That's the point of having kids, right?

FRIENDS

Of course, none of this is really any fun if you don't have anyone with whom to enjoy it. We have a solid group of friends and family with Halloween spirit, and that amplifies the fun. If you have to pick just one thing off this Halloween list, pick the friends. You will never regret it. 

 

an airport saga.

I've talked before about how air travel is so incredibly painful. You pay exorbitant amounts of money to be treated like a criminal. Or livestock. Or criminal livestock.

I attended the Association for Rural and Small Libraries annual conference in Chattanooga, Tennessee this last week. (It's way more fun than it sounds.) My trip there was nothing but smooth sailing.

My trip home was anything but.

I'm looking at YOU, United.

In the wee morning hours the day I was supposed to leave Chattanooga, my flight from Chicago to Sioux Falls was canceled for bad weather. What this bad weather was, I couldn't tell you. 

As I was flying back to the teeny tiny Sioux Falls airport, a direct flight was out of the question. I was initially supposed to fly from Chattanooga to Chicago at 12pm, then head from Chicago to Sioux Falls and be home by 4pm. With that cancellation, I was rebooked to go from Chattanooga to Chicago to Denver to Sioux Falls and arrive home at midnight. Trash.

The Chattanooga airport is about the same size as Sioux Falls, so I arrived at the airport none too early and went through security. Wouldn't you know it, I was flagged. They showed me the screen, and the area that was flagged was my bra. Great. So I had to have a pat down. (I still don't know what it was - I don't wear bras with underwire.) After the groping, the agent swiped my hands with some kind of pad. My hands then set off another alarm. (I would love to know what I touched to set off all these alarms so I can avoid it like the plague.) That meant I had to have a FULL BODY pat down AND they searched my luggage. The agent who did my pat down noticed my RBG "I dissent" pin on my backpack, and she told me she liked and then she had a giant tattoo of one of RBG's collars on her arm. Clearly, I was in good company. (And RBG supporters tend not to be the kind of people who want to hijack flights.)
Obviously, they didn't find anything. I got to my gate, only to find out the flight had been delayed. Again and again. We finally took off an hour after we were intended to leave. My connection in Chicago was suppose to take off at 2:24, and with this new delay, our plane from Chattanooga wasn't supposed to touch down until 2pm. Gulp.

On top of that, they gate-checked my carry on, so I couldn't just take my suitcase and go once I got off the plane - I had to wait until they hauled up our bags from wherever they were. 
Once I got my bag, I took off running. We landed at Terminal F, and of course, my connecting flight was at terminal C. I read it's about a mile between those terminals, and of course I didn't have the pleasure of a train or a moving sidewalk. I ran through the airport Home Alone-style and made it to my gate in nine minutes - at 2:20pm. 

Notice how low my battery was. Another topping on the shit sandwich.

Of course, the plane was still sitting there, but the doors had already closed. No one was letting me on that plane.

The gate attendant rebooked me on the next flight from Chicago to Denver, which was to leave in an hour. When the flights initially got messed up with the cancellation that morning, I was supposed to have a four-hour layover in Denver. I made lemonade out of the lemons and talked to my friend Kim. She lives nearby, so we were going to grab dinner while I was there. This new delay cut into our time, but we could still make it work.

The flight to Denver was on one of those gigantic airplanes with ten seats across. I, of course, was sitting in the middle of the middle row - aka, the worst seat. That was the exact same seat I was sitting in when I drug my hungover ass from Reykjavik to Copenhagen and then proceeded to get lost via the train system. Flashbacks.

The flight was fine, but actually getting off the plane in Denver was a different story. Once we landed on the tarmac, they WOULD NOT LET US OUT. Finally the pilot announced it was because another plane ahead of us was having trouble getting its doors open (?!), so we were waiting for either that plane to move or for us to get assigned to a different gate. We sat on the tarmac for AN HOUR before we could finally get off. And, of course, my bag was gate checked AGAIN.

Cue me running through the airport AGAIN. I did make it to see Kim, but we had to rearrange our plans so she would meet me at a restaurant near the airport because I now only had an hour and a half layover. She had ordered my meal so it was ready when I got there. I scarfed it down and then rushed back through security (no alarms went off this time), but seeing Kim (though briefly) was easily the best part of this wreck of a day.

At the gate, my group was the last one to be called to board. I approached the desk and scanned my boarding pass - only to be met by a blaring red light. The woman at the desk looked at the message and said, "You're not on this flight."

By this time, it was 8:30pm mountain time. I had begun traveling at 9am eastern time with something going wrong every step of the way. I thought I was going to melt into a puddle.

I assured her I was on this flight. The flight number and takeoff time on my boarding pass matched. But no - I was not listed as a passenger on that flight to Sioux Falls.
After a little research, it turned out because I missed my original connection in Chicago, the following flight to Sioux Falls automatically canceled. I was rebooked from Chicago to Denver, but I actually needed to be rebooked from Denver to Sioux Falls as well.

Thankfully, there was one seat left on the plane to Sioux Falls - and that seat was in first class! I have only traveled in first class once before, and that was more than 20 years ago - the very first time I flew. We were going to Las Vegas when I was 14 years old, and we all got upgraded to first class because of similar issues. I have to say, that is THE way to travel. (If you feel like spending an extra thousand dollars or so, that is.) I had more leg room than I knew what to do with, and the flight attendants served us beverages in REAL glasses. 

Fancy bitch.

It's amazing how much more attentive they are when they think I've paid the extra money to be there.

By the time we landed, I got my (once again) gate-checked bag (what's the point of carry-on anyway if it's always getting taken away from you?), found my car in the parking lot, paid for parking, and drove home, it was about 1230am. If I had rented a car in Chattanooga and driven home, I would have arrived at approximately the same time.

Many of my mishaps come with some kind of well-earned lesson, like "always take your emergency brake off" or "don't rent apartments through Craigslist." This one doesn't have much of a lesson - air travel sucks, but I'm not about to give it up. I've got too many places to see.

Oh! Here's the lesson:
Always bring an extra book.

You never know when you're going to get stuck on the tarmac.

the bucket list.

Lately, I've been thinking about bucket lists.

Not because I'm concerned about dying. 

Because of my dad.

(He's not dying either.)

My siblings and I were chatting via text one day this spring, and my sister said something about how the three siblings should go skydiving together. Mitch and Darrah had done it, but I had been wanting to do it for ages. Our dad also has wanted to do it for ages, so the lightbulb collectively came on. Father's Day was coming, so the three of us bought him a gift certificate to go skydiving in Luverne. Of course, I wanted to go as well. The four of us ended up doing it just yesterday, and it was easily the most insane thing I've ever done. I loved it.

The week before, Mom, Dad, and I did a "scuba 101" type class. That had also been on Dad's list of things to try, and he and I both loved it. We're planning to work towards getting our scuba certifications.

So that's why I have been thinking about bucket lists. I knew I had one, but I'd never written it down. As your classic type A, few things please me more than making lists and checking things off.

Most bucket lists can be divided into experiences, skills, and accomplishments. Mine is no exception. My bucket list is probably typical of most others, but here it is.

EXPERIENCES

• visit all 50 states (30 down)
• visit as many countries as possible (only seven down)
• visit all the National Parks (11 down)
• visit every Minnesota State Park (23 down)
• go parasailing
• swim with dolphins and/or sharks
• see the Northern Lights
• try as much weird food as I can
• read as many books as I can

SKILLS

• learn Tae Kwon Do
• learn to draw/paint
• become scuba certified
• learn to waltz
• learn to speak Spanish
• learn sign language
• learn to surf
• learn yoga
• learn ukulele

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

• earn my PhD
  
• publish a book
• do a TED Talk
• become a park ranger (when I retire)
• become a clinic escort for abortion providers 
• become a Master Naturalist

There are a good amount of things I have done that have been on a bucket list and are now checked off. There are also things I have done in the moment that were not on a bucket list, but in retrospect, they would have fit right in.

EXPERIENCES

• ate fermented shark
• rode in a hot air balloon
• tried scuba
• went snorkeling
• went skydiving
• swam in all five Great Lakes
• hiked a few mountains
• helicopter ride in Sedona
• ziplined alongside Niagara Falls

SKILLS

• can drive a stick shift
• can swing dance
• can plan a killer off-the-beaten path vacation
• can play mediocre clarinet and alto/tenor saxophone

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

• kayaked from the US to Canada
• contributed articles to a sculpture catalog (so sort of a published author)
• published photographer
• own two arts-based small businesses
• earned my Masters Degree
• found my dream job
• have an amazing crew of family and friends

You know how everyone knows somebody (or several somebodys) they dread seeing? Like "oh that person's coming; I better pretend to be busy"? 

Another bucket list item is to NOT be that person. 

The number one most important thing on my bucket list, though, is to live a good life. My great hope is to be a good person and leave my corner of the world a little better than I found it. I want to make the most of my time with family and friends. 

So far, I think I'm doing ok.

my portrait.

Here's one of my favorite conversation starters: I own an oil portrait of me painted by my ex-boyfriend... given to me nearly a year after we broke up.

Allow me to explain.

When I began college, I was an 18-year-old who had never had a boyfriend. I'd kissed a couple of duds, but that was it for my romantic life. You know how John Cusak in High Fidelity was concerned about dying alone at age 27, and he knew 27 was too young for that? At 17, I was already convinced I'd die alone.

Then college came along.

I was not at all used to boys liking me, but they did. It was weird and awesome. I had kind of an ugly ducking thing going on up until the very beginning of my senior year of high school when I started to take more an interest in how I looked. Apparently I looked like someone the college boys might like.

Me about a month before college. This was during
the “very serious artsy photograph” time of my life.

Here's what I didn't yet know: you don't want ALL boys to like you. Some boys are bad for you.

Enter: the Tormented Artist.

It was April 2006, and I got a message on Facebook (back when it was just for college students) from him. I had never met him, but I'd seen him around campus. It said something to the effect of "you seem cool; can we hang out sometime?" 

After nearly nine months of college douche dudes, I still hadn't learned my lesson. I said sure, and we met up. I really liked him at first. He had great taste in movies, and he opened the door to all sorts of fantastic music. He was also a talented artist, which I found impressive and fascinating. We started officially dating that June - my very first boyfriend. (I was also his first girlfriend.)

The summer was great, as we were dating long distance. Once school began, things went south pretty fast. He had severe untreated depression, which I (a naive 19-year-old) was not equipped to deal with. He also spent a week in a hospital and about a month out of school late September/early October. When he returned, he expected me to spend every spare moment with him. For a while, I did. He skipped his classes and urged me to do the same. (I didn’t, but my grades suffered from the stress.) I missed out on weeks of gorgeous fall weather, shuttered in his room and barely seeing the light of day.

Halloween finally broke me out of my prison. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I spent the days around Halloween with friends. The Tormented Artist was incensed, accusing me of not caring about him and his well being. That line had worked before, but not for Halloween.

Things continued to deteriorate between us as the school year wore on. He made me cry on my 20th birthday. He said things I would later recognize as emotionally abusive. He manipulated and demeaned - one such occasion culminated in a fight on live radio. (We DJd a show together on the college radio station. It was awful. Our only listeners were my parents, who really enjoyed hearing this spat on air.)

My parents thought I should break up with him. My friends thought I should break up with him. It took me until July - just over a year of dating - to actually break up with him. A year of isolation and cruel comments had beat me down.

But then: I was free.

The next two years of college were some of the best years of my life. I started a double major in English and my newly discovered love, art history. I killed it in both disciplines. I went on a jazz band trip to New Orleans. I made friends that I still have today. I started dating the man I would marry.

Life was good.

In April of my junior year, the Tormented Artist was a senior. I managed to avoid him for most of that year, besides some notes exchanged in school PO boxes asking for my books and DVDs back. (I never got them back.) 

But one day, I got a note in the box saying I had a package. I wasn’t expecting anything, so I didn’t have a clue what I was in for.

I turned in my slip at the post office window and waited. The lady behind the counter reappeared with a funny look on her face… and a giant canvas. 

The color drained from my face.  

It was a portrait of me.

By the Tormented Artist.

The portrait made me look dead. My skin was a sallow whitish green, and the background was bleak. It lined up exactly with the Tormented Artist’s style: muddy and devoid of joy.

Here it is again for good measure.

The worst part?

The school day wasn’t over, so I had to haul that painting along with me to my last class.

And I had ridden my bike that day.

I had to ask my current boyfriend (who had driven to campus) to transport the big-ass painting from my ex-boyfriend.

James - the boyfriend - laughed until he cried.

That portrait is hanging in my parents’ house and has been since 2008. (It’s on the upper level where no one really goes except overnight guests. It’s too creepy to hang on the main level for the general public.) No one has the heart to throw it away, but no one really wants to look at it either. 

In every bad situation, one is supposed to be able to find the silver lining. One silver lining of this relationship manifested in a spooky portrait that in turn is a great story.

My relationship with the Tormented Artist lasted just over a year, but the Dead Calla portrait will last forever.

cats v toddler.

Did I say this to my cats or my toddler?

Please don't lick my face - I know where that tongue has been.

Wow, you drool a lot.

I hear you! I'm upstairs!

Your breath is terrible.

Why are you all wet?

Your eyes are so pretty!

What's in your mouth?

You took my spot!

Are you crabby because you're hungry?

I know you can hear me.

Where are you? You were just here!

Ow! Those claws!

Would you like a head rub?

Get your butt out of my face.

Is it time for snuggles?

Don't bite me.

You have such a cute squishy face!

ANSWERS:

Both. All the time. Cats and toddlers are kind of the same.